ok so my dad came downstairs today all pissed and like he really makes my anxiety spike. like my heart was beating so fast, i could hardly breathe, i lost all my appetite, and i felt super dizzy. i also got that fight or flight feeling which was super weird. like everytime he came near me i just wanted to run away.
anywho, my mom was like “what’s up with you why did you go silent” but like she didn’t say it in a comforting way. it was like she was demanding i tell her, which i obviously wasn’t cause like lol what-
then she asked if i was being bullied like YES BY MY OWN FUCKING FAMILY. can i please like just die 😃🤚
okay so basically at this point i feel like my only two options are death or run away and then death :/
i’m sorry i’m so over dramatic idk what’s come over me in the past year.
like lowkey i used to be super suicidal in fourth grade because i did get bullied, especially by my teacher but i was okay after a few years. like i only cries myself to sleep almost every night and write suicide notes that i ended up scraping because i was scared of death.
and now i feel like this could all just be a phase because fourth grade me was like that. which is basically why i haven’t said anything. but i’m getting worried because i’ve never had this little motivation. and the things i have motivation for i either get bashed for having, or my mom has a screen time on it. yea i fucking screen time. i cant even text my friends in peace. why?? BECAUSE MY BROTHERS DONT DO THEIR CHORES. MY MOM GIVES ME CONSEQUENCES BC OF THEM. i live in the most sexiest household. my dad says i need to do the laundry when my sister leaves for college because my brother is a boy and he needs to do more important stuff. AND THEN MAKES ME DO THE LAUNDRY AND GO OUTSIDE TO HELP WITH YARD WORK SO STFU ACTUALLY.
anyway... what was i saying- oh god if i ever had an actual therapist the first ten sessions would be me ranting, then crying because i physically cannot talk about my feelings. ALSO i cry from anger sometimes-
okay in conclusion, i hate my life so fucking much and i want a redo. 😃