being a weak fraud is exhausting

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being depressed and self-harming was so much easier than actively trying not to. and my therapist keeps applauding me for recovering so well, but in reality, i want so badly to just let go and rot. everyone keeps congratulating me for doing better and being an example, but i am not an example. if i am, i am a bad one. a horrible one. people should not look up to me. i want to die. i am so tired all of the time, and trying to keep up my self-harm-free streak makes me want to cry everytime i think of it. it feels like recovery is more harmful than a full-blown episode.

this might seem silly, or stupid, or a pathetic confession, but i really needed to get this off my chest.