8 months ago
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Being in love with a depressed person

I've been (19) with my boyfriend (20) for a year now, he has Asperger's syndrome and depression. Recently, in the last 1.5 months, I have been trying to open up the discussion of depression with him, but that has made him nervous. Due to a long distance relationship and especially at this time (he lives abroad) we can't even visit each other and the whole situation has affected us.

He says that with my questions about his condition I try to impersonate the psychologist, and that I have forgotten the role of his girlfriend, he also told me that if I continue to do what he hates so much (the discussion about depression) he will want us to break up! He also accused me of doing all this because of quarantine, because I have nothing to do. He has left me speechless, I started the discussion in order to let him know that I am there and I am available for anything but he sees that I am just continuing to do something he does not want to do. 

Last night, after a fight, again, I decided to stop "playing the psychologist" and told him that I would not behave like that again, but I asked him to respect me and he replied: I respect you when you respect me.

He can't understand how worried I am about his condition. Because of his autism he has an issue with the expression of his feelings and it is generally very difficult for him to express himself but of course he does not admit it, so I decided to ask questions about how he feels, but all these he sees as an interrogation.

He has a normal intelligence and it seems very much that if he decides to have a conversation with someone, he knows things about physics and engineering that a university student is most likely to tell you and he can't even finish high school due to a psychological burden during the exams. He recently decided to drop out of high school but the team that helps him and his family doesn't want that to happen and he feels they are in control of his life, in the bad sense, and he hates the whole situation thinking that no one is listening to what he wants. He has gone to psychologists and it did not "work" so what can I * do * to help him ???

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7 months ago

Re: Being in love with a depressed person

It sounds like you have tried everything you can to help him. Sometimes you can lead a horse to water....

If a person will not acknowledge that they need help, they certainly will never accept it from anyone.

It doesn't sound like a good relationship to be in. This might sound harsh, but you are still quite young and staying with him will only give you a life of misery.

well , instead of being like a psychologist or something , try to be like a normal physics geek , talk about stars and astrophysics , why don't you two go out and watch stars and feel relaxed ? that always works for me and perhaps might work for both of you ..

try finding out his passion , and he is not appreciating your effort cause he himself is lost .. remember patience is a virtue , and plus one day he will recognize your efforts . Don't feel sad if nothing happens but you should try your best , cause he needs you ..

Take a 1-week break from this and take a huge step back. You need to figure out where you end and where he starts. Figure out what you want your life to be like and could be like with this guy. Being involved with someone like this is a huge responsibility and should not be taken lightly. You can have a healthy life with this in your life, but you need to be honest about your wants and needs. When you told him to respect you, that's called drawing boundaries. You and he need to be able to do that consistently.

Dump him, i dont mean to be so harsh about it, but hes not worth your time, i can assure you. The term theres plenty of fish in the sea is there for a reason dude, hes obviously not in a good spot and if you stay with him hes gonna drag you down with him, so if i were you id worry about myself and just having fun and shit, also online relationships barely ever work out

I have a suicidal friend. Let me tell you it is so draining. I feel like it is my responsibility tso check on her, though I dont mind, I am in constant fear that she has done something bad that I dont know. Especially during lockdown where I cant see her face. She has already landed herself in the hospital twice. I feel horrible for saying this, but she feels like a burden. Still love her tho, I hope she wasn't lying when she say i'm a good friend ;-;

Am not sure if this can help but..

If you talk to a depressed person, everything/anything you say are negative

It's not your fault, it's the way they perceive things, they see people as a threat

All questions are draining for them, it's true that it feels like an interrogation

They are torn between needing you / wanting you to always be there and wanting you away if you didn't say things right

Like every move is wrong, everything is wrong, every little thing doesn't work well

Because of anxiety and depression, it would always turn out him being mad & you two will always end up arguing (even in the future)

There's a lot going on in the mind that I can't explain

but maybe just not ask about how he feels or what he thinks

I hope you save your emotions and won't get affected psychologically

If you would stay with someone depressed, you may acquire it too or might drain you in the long run

I know you love him but I'm just concerned, I want you to be happy

PS: I think THEY should be WE -- I am depressed & have anxiety too

Look I know almost exactly what you mean, however I'm the one with depression in my relationship and I can say it's changed us lately. People with depression, and almost everyone really, hate change and this pandemic was a huge change. So with that there's stress, anxiety, and over thinking. And with all that comes the deepest trenches of depression. And I don't know your situation exactly, but I can say, as much as you want to help that person, because you love them and don't want them to continue doing what they do, you can't. You can't. There is not try, you just can't. You just have to wait until THEY are ready to tell you and when they do don't try to help, just listen. As humans we always assume everyone needs help. If they tell us somethings wrong, we assume they're asking for help. Their not. They just want to listen, that's it. Just wait for them when they're ready, when you pry it only makes it worse, even though you have good intentions, sometimes depression gets the better of us and we can't see those good intentions. Just wait till their ready and just listen that's all you have to do. If they want your help they will ask for it. But I can't stress this enough just give that person time to admit the problem to themselves, become comfortable with problem so that they can address it, and then they will open up to you. Sometimes it takes a while. But it will workout.