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Bitterness

Time Spent- 17m
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I was bullied throughout my school life all the way from the first grade in elementary to my final year in high school. One of the main sticking points for people was my interest in anime, manga and the Japanese language. I was never a weeb. You couldn't tell I liked these things from the outside. I quess the times just were like that back then and being from a small town everyone knew everyone I was a nail that needed to be hammered down to fit in.


I'm now 26. I've taken medicine for my deppression and anxiety for years. I've gone through suicidal patches. I've survived so far, but the bullying will be with me forever. I don't even need others to bully me anymore. I do it all by myself.


Just now I saw one of my former classmates from middle school post in social media about how interesting it is to study Japanese. My heart stopped painfully. I was severly bullied for that in middle school. He sat in front of me in class for three years while it happened.


Now he was happily showing everyone his interests and getting nothing but praise.


It's not his fault. I used to have a crush on him, because he was one of the only people who treated me like a normal classmate. It's unfair to be bitter about it toward him. It's not fair.


But why the fuck do I have to be driven to almost suicide for liking the things I like? Why do I have to live with my social anxiety and depression? Because of that depression I haven't been able to study Japanese even though I love the language. He's now already further in his studies than I ever was. I can't even be fucking good at the thing that has caused me all this, but he can be?


It's not fair to be angry at him, nor do I wish to take these things away from him. I don't want anyone to feel the way I was made to feel. If anything, I'm glad for him.


But it's not fair.