It's though, not being able to speak to the person you loved the most. Well, I wouldn't call it love. My boyfriend and I hadn't been in a relationship for long, we've only been dating for 4 months. I'm 18 and he is my first boyfriend. I've gone to the relationship clueless and not knowing what to actually do. In the beginning, he was very sweet and nice and would always compliment me but that started to change. He started acting very cold and we would only see each other once a week and wouldn't care about me. We celebrated New Year together and because his phone was dead he used mine to log in to Instagram and wish his friends a happy new year. Later on, when he left I had this gut feeling that something wasn't right. So I went through his Instagram and saw that he had texted one girl friend about another girl and said that his friend is not interested BUT he also said "Reserve her for me when I'm done with THIS ONE in a couple of months". When I read that my heart sank. I cried all day and was shaking and wasn't eat. I texted him saying not to ever talk to me and he just called me once and sent me 4 messages and was done. He wasn't even trying to see what's happened. Later on m=when I told him what I read he was just saying how it was wrong of me to read his messages and it's rude, he said that he isn't going to apologize for what he said to that girl because he was "joking". Because it was a lot to take in in one day I just said that we are going to talk on Sunday. We had seen each other that day and I was ready to break up, but he started saying things like it's because he's emotionless and he's been lying to me saying I love you when he doesn't even know what it feels like. While he was talking all that I was just looking at him with hurt in my eyes and he said "pls don't look at me like that" and I was like "like what" and he said "as you love me" and then I started crying, I couldn't keep it anymore. I asked him if he could be a friend for a minute and hug me and he said "why would I do that" and I felt like it was my fault for everything. I didn't have the courage to break up so I asked him what I should do. He said that we could break up but he would like it if we just put it on "paused", which we did. We still talked every day and everything was "fine".Three days later he said that he missed me and wanted to see me but I said no, I needed more time. A week had passed and I started to miss him so I asked him if the offer is still on the table and he replied with ofc. Then we went to the cinema to watch a movie, I don't even know which one, but I saw that he was being so fake and was constantly hugging me, giving me kisses and saying "I love you". The next day I went to his house and just watch tv and listened to some music. The next day he wasn't texting me for 8 hours which was strange and I texted him jokingly saying excuse me, sir, do you have a girlfriend to which he replied yes I do but I don't have to text you every five minutes 24/7, and that's when I got mad, said okay and went to sleep. Morning came and I wasn't planning on texting him as he said, but he texted me good morning, replying to my IG story, and even sent me a picture in front of a church and said "praying for our love" and that's when I lost it. I asked him what love and he said read carefully and I said that I did and that's why I asked what love. He then started to ask me if he is bothering me and if I lost feeling and I was like ofc not why are you even saying these things and he was being immature and didn't want to speak seriously so I just said, text me when you decide to speak like a grown-up, to which he replied, well then I'm not going to text you ever again because I want to be immature. I was very confused with that sentence and asked him what does that mean and in the next text a just asked "breakup?" and he said I don't have the heart to tell you that and I immediately started crying and calling him but he would always decline my calls. I texted him to pick up his phone but he said that he doesn't want to and that he is at his aunts' house and that he would call me back (which he never did). I started to beg him and was saying that we could fix this and that I would change but it didn't work, he just said he doesn't what to be someone that he isn't. HE KNEW THAT I HATED WHEN PEOPLE BREAKUP THROUGH TEXT AND HE DID EXACTLY THAT. We went out to talk 3 days after and everything was normal until he asked about us. I was just angry and started saying that I'm glad that we broke up that I was faking everything and I even said that I learned that I'm a good person because when I saw him everything was clear to me (which meant that he isn't). Later we went on a walk and he was always going into me and I asked him if he could not walk into me and he said "who would ever want to go into you" AND THAT IS WHEN I KNEW THAT HE IS A HUGE DICKHEAD. Later one he blocked me on Instagram and said that he doesn't want to see me ever again and I said okay and said to him that I wish him the best and blocked him on WhatsApp. He was still sending me snaps and I started to post a lot more there because I was hoping that he would reply. He did sometimes and we talked a bit but then I saw that it was making me feel worse and I missed him even more so I asked him if we could not talk for a bit. I did send him snaps but he didn't so I asked him if he wants to send me or not just so I know and he was like "since I see that you want it so badly, then ok" I was like put your ego to the ground and not be an ass. He just opened my text and that was the last time we talked which was almost a week ago. I FEEL SO HURT AND I REALLY WANT HIM BACK, I CRY every day, NOT GETTING UP FROM MY BED, NOT EATING AND NOT EVEN COMMUNICATING WITH MY FAMILY. I do have friends who I talk to every day but I feel like I've bored them with the same problem. I really don't know what to do at this point. I began the "no contact rule" but I know that he isn't coming back and that I would never be enough for him. But through this relationship, I've lost myself and my confidence just by focusing on him and wanting to fix him. I just want my life back to normal and I want to have a night of normal sleep, because I'm a huge overthinker I can not do that.