to the capital city I went, all alone.
bags full of hope and positivity.
I thought I was lucky to be accepted.
it would be a lie if I say there are no red signs.
brushed the signs off with the luck thinking.
3 months of probation going on and on in tears.
the pressure was on and on from few directions.
my manager hated the way I handle things without screaming and the fight, she wanted me to yell and get angry.
when I lost control, she smiled as if she succeeded.
there were days I tried so hard to not cry in my cubicle.
and other days I cried on my way to the apartment.
They say I did a good job and offer me a 1-year contract.
I couldn't hold my tears when I saw the number of salary offers.
it felt like all my hard work was so cheap.
they gave a raise, then I signed the paper.
it's better than before I thought.
I missed the point of how stressful the environment was.
sometimes I cried in the middle of the night after the project,
thinking that I was a failure as they said.
marking myself as an incompetent and useless person.
thinking why am I here why am I even breathing.
I know I tried my best but sometimes I just couldn't help to feel like a failure and shit as they said.
even the one I looked up, hurt me like no other.
she said I wasn't fit for the job,
my attitude was so bad,
I won't survive working outside the country,
my work isn't that good,
that I should see myself.
I thought it would be better to explain things,
so other will understand the other point of view.
but when I explain things it just got worse.
they offer me a 1-year contract again.
without a salary increase.
simply because my director thought that
I am not special,
there is no project that couldn't go on without me.
I ended up went home to my mother and father.
but I am a broken human being.
I hurt my parents with my words.
I kept thinking I am a failure and better be dead.
can't see my future, it's like walking in a dark tunnel
I can't see the end of it.