Hello. I'm a 16 year old girl. Nothing special going on here. I have decided to end my life at the age of 21.Please be aware that what im about to write is extremely personal and I just need to vent. Maybe this will make me feel better. Also big TW. Death has always been something that amazed me. Death is something many people fear, and many people long for. What happens after you die? Will i go to hell? burn for all eternity because some god does not forgive me for not being strong enough to deal with my emotions? Can he blame me for feeling this way? Or will he give me the peace I've been longing for? Personally I am not religious, I am agnostic. There could be a god(s) out there but I have no interest in finding out. There could also be the possibility of reincarnation. Or something else can happen, something no one has ever thought of being possible. Thats the beauty of it. No one has the answer to what happens after death, they can think they are correct, but the only way to find out is to die. But me being curious about dying is not the reason why I want to die. I am convinced that I fucked everything up. I was born to suffer. When I was little, I was raped by my neighbor. He was a little older than me. After that, I became overly sexual. Nothing happened to the kid who raped me. The cops said he was too young to face any consequences. He was my brothers friend as well. I can barely remember it, but my brother was doing what my neighbor was doing. I know he knows and still remembers what he did but I feel like we both pretend that nothing has happened. Why did this happen to me. Why do I have to suffer so fucking much everyday. I'm literally so fucking tired of all this shit. All the little happy moments I have means nothing because I always feel like shit in the end. Though I think that was my root to all the problems I'm facing now. I don't want to put too much detail into this because it still makes me extremely uncomfortable even though no one will know who is writing this. I've done so many fucked up shit in my life it hurts to even think about it. Every night before going to bed I fucking cry in pain just thinking about all the things I have done. Don't worry, I haven't killed anyone. I have really bad impulse thoughts. Whenever I'm not occupying myself I get these awful thoughts like grabbing a knife and killing someone in my family. I've never actively attempted to though so please do not worry too much. I love my family so much I'd kill myself before I do anything of the sort. Everything is fine. I gave up with everything. My hopes, my dreams, and even school. Ever since I've started school I have always been bullied. I've never really had a time where I haven't been bullied. I'm pretty sure im cursed or some shit. I have a lot of health issues. There's really nothing out there for me. Nothing bad will happen if I go. Only my family will miss me. I cannot imagine myself being out there in the world alone, paying my own taxes, rent all that shit. You may think that I'm too lazy to be a responsible citizen, but don't worry I also think im a lazy piece of shit. I don't deserve anything. I've convinced myself that there is nothing for me to look forward to after the age of 21. If I have terrible grades right now, have no basic knowledge of LITERALLY anything, what will I be when I grow up? Some homeless fuck trying to live off my parents money? There is absolutely no hope for me. I'll do anything just to start all over. Before I turn 21, I'd like to see places I've always wanted to see. I don't have to travel to California n shit, staying where I am is fine. I love nature so much. before I go, I'd like to visit as much nature as possible. I'd also like to enjoy lots of different kinds of foods and drinks. I'll collect as much photos of my pets as possible and truly enjoy myself. I've suffered so fucking much and im just 16. I literally can't fucking take this shit anymore man. It eats my up every single day and I can't handle it. I can't imagine myself growing old with these feelings. There is no other option for me. This is what I was meant to do. I'm sorry. I'm just really upset right now and typing this is really refreshing. I hope, that if anyone read this to the very end, I didn't ruin your day. And also thank you, for staying this long. I might end up being able to cope and live past 20, but honestly I highly doubt it. Anyways I'm tired. I'll go finish a painting im working on. Sorry. 30-01-2021

Hello.  I'm a 16 year old girl. Nothing special going on here. I have decided to end my life at the age of 21.Please be aware that what im about to write is extremely personal and I just need to vent. Maybe this will make me feel better. Also big TW. Death has always been something that amazed me. Death is something many people fear, and many people long for. What happens after you die? Will i go to hell? burn for all eternity because some god does not forgive me for not being strong enough to deal with my emotions? Can he blame me for feeling this way? Or will he give me the peace I've been longing for? Personally I am not religious, I am agnostic. There could be a god(s) out there but I have no interest in finding out. There could also be the possibility of reincarnation. Or something else can happen, something no one has ever thought of being possible. Thats the beauty of it. No one has the answer to what happens after death, they can think they are correct, but the only way to find out is to die. But me being curious about dying is not the reason why I want to die. I am convinced that I fucked everything up. I was born to suffer. When I was little, I was raped by my neighbor. He was a little older than me. After that, I became overly sexual. Nothing happened to the kid who raped me. The cops said he was too young to face any consequences. He was my brothers friend as well. I can barely remember it, but my brother was doing what my neighbor was doing. I know he knows and still remembers what he did but I feel like we both pretend that nothing has happened. Why did this happen to me. Why do I have to suffer so fucking much everyday. I'm literally so fucking tired of all this shit. All the little happy moments I have means nothing because I always feel like shit in the end. Though I think that was my root to all the problems I'm facing now. I don't want to put too much detail into this because it still makes me extremely uncomfortable even though no one will know who is writing this. I've done so many fucked up shit in my life it hurts to even think about it. Every night before going to bed I fucking cry in pain just thinking about all the things I have done. Don't worry, I haven't killed anyone. I have really bad impulse thoughts. Whenever I'm not occupying myself I get these awful thoughts like grabbing a knife and killing someone in my family. I've never actively attempted to though so please do not worry too much. I love my family so much I'd kill myself before I do anything of the sort. Everything is fine. I gave up with everything. My hopes, my dreams, and even school. Ever since I've started school I have always been bullied. I've never really had a time where I haven't been bullied. I'm pretty sure im cursed or some shit. I have a lot of health issues. There's really nothing out there for me. Nothing bad will happen if I go. Only my family will miss me. I cannot imagine myself being out there in the world alone, paying my own taxes, rent all that shit. You may think that I'm too lazy to be a responsible citizen, but don't worry I also think im a lazy piece of shit. I don't deserve anything. I've convinced myself that there is nothing for me to look forward to after the age of 21. If I have terrible grades right now, have no basic knowledge of LITERALLY anything, what will I be when I grow up? Some homeless fuck trying to live off my parents money? There is absolutely no hope for me. I'll do anything just to start all over.  Before I turn 21, I'd like to see places I've always wanted to see. I don't have to travel to California n shit, staying where I am is fine. I love nature so much. before I go, I'd like to visit as much nature as possible. I'd also like to enjoy lots of different kinds of foods and drinks. I'll collect as much photos of my pets as possible and truly enjoy myself. I've suffered so fucking much and im just 16. I literally can't fucking take this shit anymore man. It eats my up every single day and I can't handle it. I can't imagine myself growing old with these feelings. There is no other option for me. This is what I was meant to do. I'm sorry. I'm just really upset right now and typing this is really refreshing. I hope, that if anyone read this to the very end, I didn't ruin your day. And also thank you, for staying this long. I might end up being able to cope and live past 20, but honestly I highly doubt it. Anyways I'm tired. I'll go finish a painting im working on. Sorry.30-01-2021

You don't have to go down that path. There are plenty of ways to get help. The police, DCFS, any authorities. You're young. You're right that should have NEVER happened to you. I know someone close to me she was assaulted by her ex, but I told her I would help her out to my best ability. I wanna do the same for you. If you ever wanna talk about it or anything else feel free. I'm 22 and I've felt how you are currently feeling since I was 12. I would really like to help you. Please give me a chance to and feel free to email me at bruceparker365@yahoo.com. I hope you take my advice/guidance. Things will get better. Trust me.

You don't have to go down that path.  There are plenty of ways to get help.  The police, DCFS, any authorities.  You're young.  You're right that should have NEVER happened to you.  I know someone close to me she was assaulted by her ex, but I told her I would help her out to my best ability.  I wanna do the same for you.  If you ever wanna talk about it or anything else feel free.  I'm 22 and I've felt how you are currently feeling since I was 12.  I would really like to help you.  Please give me a chance to and feel free to email me at bruceparker365@yahoo.com.  I hope you take my advice/guidance.  Things will get better. Trust me.

Re: By the age of 21. (TW)

I'm truly sorry for you sis. This was so touching and yes the feeling of wanting to die. I've had it several times and now also I have it. But i'm still surviving,I dont know why. Maybe because in the future something good will happen to me. i'm a loner as well. So I don't have any friends to miss me. My family might miss me, im not sure. But I want you too enjoy your life sis.

I'm truly sorry for you sis. This was so touching and yes  the feeling of wanting to die. I've had it several times and now also I have it. But i'm still surviving,I dont know why. Maybe because in the future something good will happen to me. i'm a loner as well. So I don't have any friends to miss me. My family might miss me, im not sure. But I want you too enjoy your life sis. 

I felt the exact same way as you..especially with never finding a niche. Then I found it and it is amazing and I am so good at it. I stab people for a living. And they pay me for it. Some call me a body piercer and some call me a Body Modification Technician. I just say I stab people. I'm not bougie. And guess what? I am a fat goth. I am not pretty. Not in my mind... I would not do me and I am pansexual lol But I was hired. My job is an amazing way to connect with someone. On so many levels. I also got Married. Someone who cares about me and pushes me to be and do better. I never thought I would get married. Don't make plans...the universe laughs. Just remember that family is temporary and you will eventually find your tribe. People can be garbage and good. Keep the hurt as lessons for the future, and be thankful someone has to accrue bad karma so you can learn lessons..and vice versa. We are all here to learn from each other. My friends group is TINY. But I have some good ones. I have a fun hobby. One piece of advice. Delete social media. I don't have facebook anymore and it has helped ground me. Who someone is online is only a facade or a small fraction real. Lastly...I never thought I would see 21 either. Here I am...stronger for survivng the shit, and better. You can do it too.

I felt the exact same way as you..especially with never finding a niche. Then I found it and it is amazing and I am so good at it.I stab people for a living. And they pay me for it. Some call me a body piercer and some call me a Body Modification Technician. I just say I stab people. I'm not bougie.And guess what? I am a fat goth. I am not pretty. Not in my mind... I would not do me and I am pansexual lol But I was hired. My job is an amazing way to connect with someone. On so many levels.I also got Married. Someone who cares about me and pushes me to be and do better. I never thought I would get married.Don't make plans...the universe laughs. Just remember that family is temporary and you will eventually find your tribe. People can be garbage and good. Keep the hurt as lessons for the future, and be thankful someone has to accrue bad karma so you can learn lessons..and vice versa. We are all here to learn from each other.My friends group is TINY. But I have some good ones. I have a fun hobby.One piece of advice. Delete social media. I don't have facebook anymore and it has helped ground me. Who someone is online is only a facade or a small fraction real.Lastly...I never thought I would see 21 either. Here I am...stronger for survivng the shit, and better. You can do it too.

Hey, you have nothing to be sorry about. Its not your fault. I really hope you can live past 21 and enjoy your life, there is plenty more nature to explore (like robins!) I have true true hope for you. It may not mean much but I'm sending my love and wishes to you.

Hey, you have nothing to be sorry about. Its not your fault. I really hope you can live past 21 and enjoy your life, there is plenty more nature to explore (like robins!) I have true true hope for you. It may not mean much but I'm sending my love and wishes to you.

Hey i have been through ur situation. I have suffered a lot. I was in under pressure of my parents till 16 yrs,every single day i wished to die and no one was there with me, i had no frnds, i had no family also my gf left me after dating for 9 months. So i was in a such a mental situation tht i can die anytime. For me its hard to get out and move on and it takes a lot of time. I always thought that what did i do to deserve this,if it was my mistake then i would have suffered it but it wasn't. Then after thinking everyday abt the past i realised tht thinking abt past things can cause u more hurt so i stopped thinking of tht and started thinking abt making a beautiful future without anyone. I started thinking abt exploring the world and planned world trips. I then started thinking abt the beauty and wonders of nature it helped me to be more close to the nature and feel the beauty. Once u got tht feeling then u will forget everything happened to u and u will forget ur pain and everything.Just think abt tht and u can live upto 100 yrs.If no one wants u then God will take care of u. There are many beautiful things outside, u have got only one life and u should enjoy it maximum. Just fly

Hey i have been through ur situation. I have suffered a lot. I was in under pressure of my parents till 16 yrs,every single day i wished to die and no one was there with me, i had no frnds, i had no family also my gf left me after dating for 9 months. So i was in a such a mental situation tht i can die anytime. For me its hard to get out and move on and it takes a lot of time. I always thought that what did i do to deserve this,if it was my mistake then i would have suffered it but it wasn't. Then after thinking everyday abt the past i realised tht thinking abt past things can cause u more hurt so i stopped thinking of tht and started thinking abt making a beautiful future without anyone. I started thinking abt exploring the world and planned world trips. I then started thinking abt the beauty and wonders of nature it helped me to be more close to the nature and feel the beauty. Once u got tht feeling then u will forget everything happened to u and u will forget ur pain and everything.Just think abt tht and u can live upto 100 yrs.If no one wants u then God will take care of u. There are many beautiful things outside, u have got only one life and u should enjoy it maximum. Just fly 

Hey its okay:) your feelings are valid, youre strong as heck for making it this far. its going to get better okay :) I genuinely hope you’ll see everything you want to see and live as much and enjoy the best life has to offer

Hey its okay:) your feelings are valid, youre strong as heck for making it this far. its going to get better okay :) I genuinely hope you’ll see everything you want to see and live as much and enjoy the best life has to offer 

hi boo! i might not be able to killing yourself, because i understand your feelings. maybe stay on here till 22 tho. i think it's a good idea to see california. it's very beautiful here. always sunny, pretty calm beaches, whales, safe people. expensive, but i love it. (i still live with my parents.) well, while you wait to die, go enjoy life a bit more. do something amazing while you can. life doesn't have to last forever, that's okay. but maybe, while you try to enjoy your last days, you might find a reason to live. it might be a pet. a place. even a song. a hobby. a talent. whatever it is, it might happen, so don't stop exploring that. look, i understand that you want to kill yourself. instead of telling you it's okay, it'll get better, etc. im going to tell you to live life as much as you can in the next five years. spend a bit of money, find a hobby, get a pet, travel, hike. maybe, just maybe, you'll find a purpose. if not, that's fine. i do love you. i've been sexually harassed since i was a child and i understand how you might feel helpless. i struggled a lot for awhile until i started to find hobbies i liked, foods that made me smile, clothes that felt soft on my skin, pencils that drew beautiful things. i like how you think. if you die, you wont have to wait for me to join you, okay?? hopefully time goes quicker in heaven, or the universe, or whatever you believe in. i dont have a religion so i am curious, too. anyways, do something you enjoy. i will say that you sound really interesting. i would love to hang out, watch some netflix and have a sleepover with you! i turn 17 in may :&gt; anyways, ill be sad if you go. :(( you are loved by me because you sound like a geninuely interesting, cool person. thank you for sharing this unique perspective with me.

hi boo! i might not be able to killing yourself, because i understand your feelings. maybe stay on here till 22 tho. i think it's a good idea to see california. it's very beautiful here. always sunny, pretty calm beaches, whales, safe people. expensive, but i love it. (i still live with my parents.)well, while you wait to die, go enjoy life a bit more. do something amazing while you can. life doesn't have to last forever, that's okay. but maybe, while you try to enjoy your last days, you might find a reason to live. it might be a pet. a place. even a song. a hobby. a talent. whatever it is, it might happen, so don't stop exploring that.look, i understand that you want to kill yourself. instead of telling you it's okay, it'll get better, etc. im going to tell you to live life as much as you can in the next five years. spend a bit of money, find a hobby, get a pet, travel, hike. maybe, just maybe, you'll find a purpose. if not, that's fine. i do love you. i've been sexually harassed since i was a child and i understand how you might feel helpless. i struggled a lot for awhile until i started to find hobbies i liked, foods that made me smile, clothes that felt soft on my skin, pencils that drew beautiful things. i like how you think. if you die, you wont have to wait for me to join you, okay?? hopefully time goes quicker in heaven, or the universe, or whatever you believe in. i dont have a religion so i am curious, too. anyways, do something you enjoy. i will say that you sound really interesting. i would love to hang out, watch some netflix and have a sleepover with you! i turn 17 in may :> anyways, ill be sad if you go. :(( you are loved by me because you sound like a geninuely interesting, cool person. thank you for sharing this unique perspective with me.