2021... Almost 10 years since I wrote about myself or rather wrote to myself, the 1st piece was too dark and I deleted it sometime around 2013 - 14.. since then I did not write cause everything seemed fine for once in my life but then once again after all these years I was feeling the urge to write for a few days now and I started off today. Things have changed for me, in my mind forever...this is so overwhelming for me, I just want to name this piece after a favourite game of mine...."REVELATIONS" Another decade almost passed and I'm still a good for nothing and guess what I did it again, broke the heart of a lady who wanted to marry me...no surprise there I guess. I'm 30+ n I don't have a job because I don't feel like working and I don't have any money, I pass my days roaming aimlessly around shopping malls and parks, I got no friends, I have no life, I drive everyone out of my life, cousins, friends, I hardly know my nephews and guess what? I am distant from my father as well, I'm a loner, a fucking day dreamer, I am an abuser, a thief, a liar and I can't stand people around me, I hate to be social, I'm an unsocial or rather an antisocial. My ego, it is huge like a fucking mountain, I hate obligations, despise them, though I can see my sick mom do my dishes, wash my clothes n I do nothing about it, I'm such a moron I can see my aged father go out do the works that I should be doing...I feel like spitting on myself but hey! that's all I do, I just feel bad, I do nothing about it, u know why? Coz I'm too lazy to do shit...my bank balance shrinking everyday n I'm dreaming about winning lotteries, praying like a psycho for a miracle win...I'm a looser but am I depressed? me? oh never...I live my life king style, I play games, post shit comments on FB, be a keyboard warrior n hurt ppl...yeah that's me..never depressed, always living with a hope of becoming rich, started writing a story rather a novel and failed miserably..wanted to work in Animation and gaming failed miserably, u know why? I'm a good for nothing, I was busy playing games...fucking games...my only escape from my harsh reality, games r my poison.. I left my girlfriend, maybe I still love her or may be I don't but I am happy she is away...its good for us and especially her, she had seen and been through enough shit in her life n it's best she lives the 2nd half happily married to some rich dude who will make her fall in love, trust me I will be relieved...u must be laughing hard at me..yeah I deserve that..but this part is the most honest part in this shit piece..she'll be better off without me..I'm not even meant for shit...I'm a fucking nobody living off my dad's money...but I never wanted to be like this though, I never did, I wanted to be like everyone else..Happy, married, have kids, take parents on annual trips, be rich...be rich...fuck! That reminds me I'm a day dreamer, I buy lottery tickets to become rich, I love to imagine a rich life, luxury but it's not meant to be..I feel sorry for myself at times, I am pathetic...a looser, a good for nothing..I feel the urge to smash glass objects ..punch through them ... I wanted to be like everyone else..Normal. It was my childhood I guess...parents fighting, they started living separate in the same house(how weird was that for me, they didn't even get a divorce), getting violently beat up by my father as a mere infant, getting cursed by mother, a pedophile uncle and an older, stronger neighborhood boy bullying me abusing me cause I was weak, I still have the urge to smash his fucking face repeatedly on a coarse concrete slab till he's dead...can never respect that bastard pedophile unmarried uncle of mine, I guess all this shit from past made me who I am today...I wanted to be Normal, be social, have friends, get married, own a house of my own..there was a time I tried, I tried really hard, got some success but I guess the demons from my past crawled back up when my sister got involved in a shitty affair with a married guy. Everything started going downhill once again, the environment in my house turned vicious and violent. It became so vicious that I started getting scared when I left my house everyday, fearing if my mom or my sister would mortally injure each other over this shit affair of my sister, I can never forgive that bastard husband of hers for whom my peace was completely destroyed for 3 fucking years, for 3 years I saw my mom and sister fighting, I spend many sleepless nights stopping late night fights between my mom n sis and then finally she got married to this ass wipe, spineless bastard. Anyway the damage was done like I said, the demons of insecurity, loss of confidence and a uncontrollable anger crawled back and took over...I slowly gave up over the next few years trying to be happy with my girlfriend and a job I got but it was never meant to be, there was a dialogue from a movie that I can quote.."its better to be separated and live life alone like human beings rather than sticking together for ever and fight like rabid dogs" I gave up my relationship because I was not good enough, though there were other reasons but I think this will be the cause I would keep as the strongest for the broken relationship of mine...I now wait for the future, uncertain, scared (at times) don't know what awaits for me...I GIVE UP...too tired to fix myself, I can't wait to leave everything n run into abyss, if there is really another life, I eagerly wait for it, try to find out what awaits...all I wanted to say is..."It was not just me who was responsible for building the person I'm today, I know that now and its beyond fixing" i read multiple articles about people with bad childhood and in every piece I read I saw myself...I hope the person who reads this shitty piece understands me and understand the mental torment I go through even when I have everything I have nothing, my mind is my enemy...Thank you and I hope u have a better n successful life than me... goodbye.