I need somebody.
I don't even know if I want to tell them the pain I carry with me from the years a trauma I have experienced at the hands of nearly everyone in my life.
I just need somebody to make me feel less alone. Someone who feels like they understand and hold my hand in support.
Someone who does not prey on me.
Someone who does not see me as little more than a means to reach their hollow desires.
I'm tired of loving and supporting people who only abuse and discard me when an expedient *high* presents itself. It has taken a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I am little more than some kind of resource for many of the people around me.
And for awhile, I felt like that was my purpose. I was willing to give half of myself away to someone if I felt it helped them in some way.
I'm almost 30. I'm fairly successful. I'm attractive. I'm respected. And I have no fucking clue why I cannot put up boundaries and set higher standards for the level of abuse I will take from the people around me. I used to think it was because maybe everyone is just abusive in some way, and maybe there was a justifiable reason. But now I cannot help but feel like my tolerance of abuse is just what allows people to abuse me. BUT THEN WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH TO TRY AND PLACE A BARRIER AROUND MYSELF TO PREVENT THAT. I feel such guilt for not giving every bit of myself to someone I feel is in need.
I don't know who I can even trust. I used to think that was paranoid thinking I have developed from early relationships, and yet my intuitive distrust of the new people who enter my life seems to always prove itself true - but I'm so willing to take the blame for my own thoughts I want to give people the benefit of the doubt until it absolutely is just too late and I take irreparable damage.
When I start thinking about the web of relationships I have surrounding me that only function from people pulling and taking from me constantly, I physically feel ill.
I feel like I am going to throw up this very minute.
I want this to no longer flood my thoughts.
Fuck my life.
I'm just trying to vent a little so I can focus on doing a shit ton of work I need done before tomorrow.
But it's hard.
So this is me screaming into the void. Wishing for a month of time away from everyone so I can start to feel like I can trust myself again.