Hey my inner monologue is plugged up so Imma do a mental dump right here. Is that ok? Can I be myself for just a few moments before slipping back into my main role?Today. Its Sunday and I hate Sundays. I planned on waking up early this morning so I could breathe, have some quiet me time. Selfish, I know but Ive been locked inside myself for years now and the early morning hours afford me the much needed peaceful start to my day. I probably should tell you something about myself. Rude not to, eh? Ok.. so um, Im female, mid-late thirties, divorced, single parent, and obese. Yeah you heard that right, I said obese.. not morbidly but getting there if I dont figure out my psychological dependency on food is killing me. Um.. oohhh did I give away too much info there? Oops sorry. Lol Well there you have it, my other issue: I overshare like habitually. Im an escapist. Not in the usual sense.. I endure Maladaptive Daydreaming.. no its not officially recognized yet but its been with me since I was eleven years old. I also have High Functioning Anxiety and yes, fuck you, thats a thing too. Google it you Noob. I have vivid nightmares waking up in the middle of an anxiety attack. I flipswitch between caring too much and not caring at all.I want to care. Today I almost felt normal.. ooh thats weird even writing it out. But hey 98% of you on here actually get what I mean, I mean, none of us are "normal" anyway right?Im in love with someone inside my head. For real. A guy of my imagination, hes been with me for years. We have full on conversations. Yes, Im fully aware hes not real, but hes safe. He cant hurt me. And Ive been hurt. C'mon, Im a fat girl with daddy issues, Im just asking for it right?I have suicidal thoughts, currently manageble but a few days ago not so much. I think Im ok now.. maybe. I was raised by a mother who suffered dissociative identity disorder.. yeah she went splitsky from childhood trauma.. real stuff but I thought it was normal growing up. So maybe my formative years were extra special, whose werent? I called her alter "Other Mother" cuz she was still my mom just a little different.. lol ok ALOT different. But she always answered to Mom.. Idk why cuz she didnt really like me much.Oh yeah and Im a real nothing. No really Im super vanilla, like real american cheese on saltine crackers BORING!!! I love rom-coms and Asian cinema especially bollywood flicks. I listen to emo music.. like elliott smith "waltz"..But wanna know what my true jam is? Ok ok dont push, you know Imma tell you so simmer bruh simmer. "Chlorine" by twentyone pilots.. yes. Its my anthem.. my soul plucking heartstrings.. yes FUCK YES. Lyrics.. so pure. When I leave dont save my seat.. Ill be back when its all complete. And if its too dark, check out the mashup on youtube with the music of ed sheeran's shape of you.. omg so cool "shape of chlorine"Ok ok confession time.. wanna know a secret? Ok ok here goes, be gentle cuz this is real for me:I dance in the dark. Alone. Like Im dancing for no one but myself. Its the most free Ive ever felt. The only time I ever truly let go. But I wish I had someone to dance with. Someone who would ease up behind me and dance like I was the only thing they ever wanted. If you saw me dancing in the rain, would you join me? Would you understand that I dont like being touched except when we're alone? That I would melt into you and let you melt into me if I trusted you? But thats just it.. no one gets it. I cant hug. It suffocates me. I dont do p.d.a. I get stuck inside my head but if there was someone patient, theyd know that Im like the tide, I go in but I come back out. Im a one person woman. When I choose you, Ill love you for the rest of my life, and loyal.. to a fault. Where is that kind of person? See.. thats why I have the guy in my head. No heartbreak if hes not real.Do guys like women to write love letters? Love poems? Am I just the worst kind of hopeless romantic.. to tell a man hes color in a grey world? Would you love me if I put a list of all my favorite things about you hidden in your pants pocket? Or if I read your Maxim magazines and bought you the special edition dvd of a movie you dog eared the page of? Or if I woke you up kissing you til you were no longer soft inside me? Pathetic yes yes, I know. Ive done it all. It wasnt enough. Loving someone isnt enough. I wouldve loved forever though. Oh yeah, I believe in forever. Bet you think thats the icing on the crazy cake? Well, guess what? Lol I loved being pregnant and carrying his child. Arent you supposed to love that when youre married? And I waited patiently while he was in jail.. waited for him to get being with other girls out of his system.. waited for him to come home and want me. Waited for him to "get outta the game" once his fines were paid.. in the end he chose them over me. So I had to leave so my kids would be safe. And Im the bitch.. for leaving.. when he was the one that left me all alone in the hospital after giving birth so he could be with someone else. And I get to be alone.. stuck in my little worlds in between the pain.. where my son acts like me but looks like his dad so that the pain of loving him echos in his beautiful eyes and my daughter is my bestfriend. But Im trapped in my head reliving memories at night in nightmares where my exhusband loves me again but I wake up.. yep today.. I almost felt normal. Today is Sunday.. I hate Sundays.