Cant forgive her

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My mother was very physically abusive to me right up until middle school. She still threatens us regularly and on occasion shoves us, slaps us or throws something at us. But I refuse to let myself forgive and forget that past. I refuse to let her "change" in my mind. I never want to forgive her for the things that shes done, and it may not be the mature thing to do, but I feel like what shes done arent the types of things that should be forgiven. MAYBE her blaiming me for her boyfriend and the father of one of my brothers leaving her I could forgve, but not her threatening me with a knife, or using my miscarried brother to scare me. I keep making myself re think those times despite how angry it makes me because I dont want her to have the satisfaction of having my forgivness. Whats worse, forgiving her or keeping a grudge?

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