I know I'm going to come across as the villain in this story and I fully appreciate that view of me. I deserve it.
I'm a very happily married woman, I've been married for 8 years and I've been with my partner since we were 14, we've been together 20 years in total. I love him so much, he is my best friend, my soul mate, a wonderful father to our 2 children and so patient and kind. He's everything I've ever wanted in a partner. Minus the odd argument and odd nasty comment from him, we're very happy.
Recently I've been having problems with my mental health. I have bad anxiety that stemmed from feeling worthless and always putting myself last. I'm not worth ad much ad anyone else I know. I'm on medication and was going to therapy for it. Both of which have helped amazingly and made me accept that I'm human and can make mistakes. However, I'm worried that I've now gone the other way and have a sense of entitlement. I've struck up a close friendship with a person from work and it's been gradually building. And yesterday we did it. We crossed that invisible unspoken line. Both of us are in long term committed relation ships and that made it seem both better and worse. Neither of us has any intention of leaving our partners and we've asked no questions about the others home life. We wouldn't recognise them if we saw them in the street. We've both got a lot to lose and we are really good friends. But we've crossed the line and now I'm worried I have no self control and I won't draw the line here. I want more but I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him either. I know 100% this is nothing to do with him and is solely about me and who I am as a person and what I'm selfishly getting out of this. I know it's a shitty cliche and I know I'm a douchebag (believe me, I hate myself) but I didn't intend for this to happen and I don't want to hurt anyone. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this and definitely the first time I've done anything solely for me. I've always put everyone else first and made myself feel worthless in the process, hence where the mental health problems began...
I'm not looking for answers or judgement (I know what you're thinking and I am too) merely somewhere to write what's going on in my head. Apologies if I've offended anyone at all and if this is a sensitive subject for anyone. Really.
I am sorry to everyone for everything.