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Cold….and now the story isn’t about being cold anymore cos I needa rant to myself

Cold….and now the story isn’t about being cold anymore cos I needa rant to myself


I’m cold. 

Goosebumps all over my shivering body.

But...I’m at the mall wearing 4 layers of clothing…

*inside the mind: AHHHHHHHHHH JUSTTT WHYYY DOOO I FEEL SOO COLDDDD*

I like to think my life is all simple and organized. 

Pfft.

I don’t get why other people can still be warm in only like 1 layer of clothes in summer while I go out in the sun looking like Satan...wait no...I meant Santa clause…..my head isn’t working….loading… *types in google Santan Clause*.


Ah yes, “Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, or simply Santa, is a legendary character originating in Western Christian culture who is said to bring gifts to the homes of well-behaved children on the night of Christmas Eve or during the early morning hours of Christmas Day. Wikipedia”.


Wait...where am I going with all this ;-;


Mmmmmmm off topic but I went to the bathroom just to cry since during History class cos I’m a pushover/people pleaser who keeps saying “Okay” to requests I can’t do...OoF *cough cough is bullied but still alive somehow* waittttt I just remembered that I cried in Spanish class like DURING CLASS when the teacher was doing his lecture I-     Nvm nobody notice except my fake bestie which I still haven’t figure out how get away from cos she bee enjoying messing with my mental health along with my parents while I’m tryna stay sane y’all. I think I forgot to mention how I was physically present at school but my soul left and my brain keeps telling me in that little head voice to bang my head over every corner I find at school O-O


After reading what my family would say as “Useless Information that selfish people spend time on, to avoid helping their family with work”. I found some interesting stuff people wrote that were kinda similar to my situation and now I’m starting to wonder if it’s all normal or abnormal. Honestly, I can’t afford a therapist cos my family say that’s why crazy people do and I already failed multiple times tryna bring up the topic to get a long lecture where she tells me all my wrongs (even if they aren’t wrong but correct, who cares since parents are always high almighty who are always right with their egos on top) It might just be me but I would rather get physically harmed by my parents instead of hearing words that will be engraved in my heart that will forever repeat itself and pushes me virtually in my mind’s corner only to do the self harm myself… I mean I tried to heal…..myself...but currently it’s not working.


The only actual thing that’s keeping me sane is Music lol...I’m starting to think if I have an addiction to music lol. (Fun fact: rn I’m listening to music as I am typing this down XDD it’s like a rockstar by Chase Atlantic)


Now, I just gotta survive tmr even tho I really wanna just peacefully die in my sleep without any pain and be at peace with myself.


“Too Late”


I’m slowly losing my sanity, it sad but i know it won’t be too long until I’ve reached my limit.  


   The only thing I would regret is knowing all the things I’ve been through made me willing to die at the age of 14 lol I know it’s not that young but it’s also not that old. I only wish I could’ve lived a life where I have made peace with everything/everyone and have happiness. If I could I also wish to live a bit longer just to enjoy life on the mountains or the sea without any chaos in the world but instead peace.


But most good things to be true are usually not true to be real.

Finding peace might seem like the simplest thing to do but those simplest things are usually the hardest to fully accomplish and understand.


To all who read this including my future me: Life starts from Birth into the world and Death in the end. The journey between Life and Death is seeing the struggles you face with yourself and how you handle it before leaving your existence in this universe.