i have good friends. they are there for me whenever i need them. but then why am i insecure? why don't i feel comfortable when they behave differently? why does it bother me when they form alliances? and most importantly why can't i call them on their shit? am i a bad friend who is just jealous? or are they the wrong company for me? i can't even muster the strength to tell them when they are wrong or when they act like someone else. i won't message or call them but if they don't, then i feel sad. this just confirms that i am more toxic than i would like to admit. i need to get out of this shit. i am toxic for them as well. it just adds sadness to their and my life.
I understand how you feel. I’ve been there myself. I know it’s hard but I would advice you to try and express yourself more, share your opinions with them, call them on their shit in a way that feels right to you. You don’t have to do that right away, just a step a day. You’ll see that your friends will appreciate you being present and vocal. If they don’t then they’re probably not a match to you.