Complicated “Daddy issues”

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I just want to say my mother had me at 15 and I’ve never met my father or had so much as a picture or a story. No one ever said anything and I never asked anything, at school when people would ask about my father I would just say that I don’t have one. About 8 months ago my grandmother let slip his name. No one knows and I don’t think I would be able to tell someone. My mom had a lot of boyfriends when I was younger and I hated her for it as well as every man she ever mentioned. I was in second grade when we moved almost 2 hours away to live with her boyfriend who I’d never met. He seemed nice enough and a few months later they got engaged. The engagement ended late when night when he got drunk. I was too young to remember everything or to fully trust the memories but I know he got really angry about something and started slamming things, yelling, breaking picture frames and plates. I don’t remember every detail but my mom eventually locked us in the bedroom and called 911. I never saw him again and I just kinda brushed off that night until my mom got pregnant and we moved in with another one of her boyfriends. He seems nice but the last one did too. We’ve been living with him for about 2 years now and I now have 2 half siblings. I still feel awkward around him and occasionally scared of him. I think about that night constantly. I can’t fall asleep and I get intense nightmares. I lay in bed shaking sometimes. Now that I know my fathers name it just feels like I can’t refuse to accept that he exists anymore. I know he’s probably not some serial killer or dangerous criminal or anything but he’s become something of another monster under my bed. I hate men, I’m 15 and have never dated nor do I want to anytime soon. I just feel scared and confused and upset and I don’t understand why everything impacts me as much as it does. Why can’t I be happy instead of afraid?

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