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CONFESSION? i guess

I have a feeling im a toxic person, i act close with my friends when in reality i dont act like how i truly am, or how i think is the real me. Im only 12 1/2 turning 13 in december but i have done lots of things that i know are wrong but i cant help it. I hate people for no reason just a feeling of how annoying they are. Once i cut someone off i talk about them behind their backs which is bad ik. But at the same time i feel guilty about things ever since i punched someone in 1st grade and caused them to get a concussion. Im shy around people i dont know and at new schools i try to find a group to sit with so i dotn seem like a potential target for bullying when in reality im kinda using them until i find a group of my own. I dont like to be seen as a loner so i try some friendly talking with people i already kind of know. It works for me. Im a insecure, shy, and blunt person who in other words can be called fake. I dont know how to act around my "family" they love me a lot i know that already but they just seem annoying sometimes. I get that my situation isnt as bad as others but it is sad in my eyes since my family is a messed up racist ass asian family. My grandma forced my father to marry some girl that he didnt even like which was my mom causing them to divorce 3 times, my siblings are distant and they are already 20-25 ish years old. I DONT EVEN KNOW THEIR AGE?! I want to have someone to talk to without being annoying and clingy. Back to the toxic part i once decided to talk bad about an ex friend. We were very close at firts when i moved to the new school, but she then started dating a shithole. He was asking out other girls after she moved while dating her. He even asked me out and dating in middle school isnt even dating so why tf are people so obssesed with finding a gf/bf. ANyways me and my other two friends told her and she said we were lying so we cut her off after trying to convince her a few times. then i told my outside of the groupchat friends about her. oh and i also like this boy that is my friend but im pretty sure its just the feeling of closeness so i think it will pass. thats what i told myself its been more than half a year and i still like him. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️