confused

Time Spent- 25m
24 Visitors

i’m afraid of a lot. i’m afraid of people. i’ll be more specific, church, friends, him. it hurts. i feel annoying. i feel stupid. i try and it’s never enough. i know i’m not the best, but i want somebody to listen. i tried venting to my friend and she brushed it off. i got annoyed and told her that i was done for the night. i feel like dying. the person i like probably thinks i’m annoying. the person i look up to probably thinks i’m annoying. i feel like everything is fake. my friends are fake. the happy expressions on their faces are fake to me. they’re not happy to see me. i can’t escape my mind. my mind is literally a prison. i feel trapped. i can’t even vent to somebody. i can’t get advice. i can’t have emotions from others, or me. i can’t get anything. i can’t do it. i feel like this is triggering anxiety. i have too much bottled inside me. i don’t feel like getting out of bed. the mere thought of going to church scares me. i feel like i get dirty looks. i understand it. i’m ugly. i’m fat. i’m not skinny. i’m not cis. i’m transgender, nonbinary to be specific. i don’t fit in. my band teacher probably thinks i’m weird. the only person that makes me even feel slightly safe is my language arts teacher. she feels like the mother i never had in my life. i love her. my mother is a complicated situation. i can’t even talk about her. my brain hurts to think about it. my heart hurts as well. i fear my life. i fear for me. i don’t feel like a person. i don’t feel valid. i know there’s something wrong with me. i feel like i’m faking it. i might have anxiety. i have no clue. i don’t want to self diagnose. i’m scared to bring it up to my doctor. i know i should trust my religion, but i’m scared. i’m lonely. i have nobody. my thoughts keep pushing people close to me away. i feel like no reassurance can help me. i’m an attention seeker. i’m a pick me person. i’m everything that i don’t want to be. my stomach is dropping as i type. i can’t define a panic attack. i don’t have a clue on the difference between that and an anxiety attack. i feel like i’m on the brink of breaking down again. my breathing is struggling and my mind is going too fast for my good. my eyes are wandering and the air around me is closing in. i see shadows of things. the tears are fighting against me. i’m lost. i want to be found. i want to be saved. i don’t want to feel like this. i want to be valid. i want to look the way i vision. i miss the days where i was happy and had no care. the world is hard. i feel stuck in it.