I feel like life is suffocating; slowly getting asphyxiated by anxious decisions of my daily struggles. It’s hard to even wake up in the morning. Get out of bed. Go to school. For what to pretend I’m okay, because this facade is getting tiring. I’m always tired, I can have the best night sleep, wake up and go back to sleep. I just don’t want to repeat the exhausting cycle anymore. Constantly crying myself to sleep at night. And when I’m not sad? I’m immersed in the array of colours from the heavens. I’m not religious but when I’m really happy I like to believe it’s a sign from God giving hope, or even just a mere sign of existence from the universe. Cycling home today felt so euphoric until I melted into my tearstained bedsheets to sleep. I get so invested in happiness it can all crumble into tiny pieces of money. I shop, a lot. When I’m sad, when I’m happy, it’s my way of coping. Spending money that actually isn’t mine. My morality despises my need to spend my dads money without him knowing. However I would like to state I didn’t steal it he put a set amount of money in my bank to keep safe. And I spent it all. *side note I am slowly putting the money back* Making the cycle even worse as no money equals no happiness. I know that happiness shouldn’t stem from little bits of environmentally friendly plastic that’s stuffed in your purse. But I have tried every way of coping with life, for me this is the most plausible way. But it’s fine sync back into sleeping all day and hysterically crying at 1am. Ive never actually told anyone how I’ve truly felt before as I’m constantly reassured I’m pathetic and people won’t care. I can’t even tell my boyfriend and it hurts me knowing he has to just watch me cry sometimes not knowing how hard it is to keep going. I’m telling myself I’m not going to post this as anxiety builds up inside me. I don’t know if I want to talk to someone or just have a random stranger listen to my problems. However I know for certain I don’t want to feel like this.