I had a bad relationship starting and some what continuing with my ex. We started talking about I left his best friend and while he still had a gf but she was toxic and a cheater, and like I knew from then he still had some feelings for her which is why he never left. I did not intend to fall in love with him but I did, while he had a gf and he confessed to me first that he liked me then eventually loved me. We always sneaked around to do things like "make love" and have small dates. Even his other best friend who was dating his gf's sister knew and kept it a complete secret even up to today. I was not the best communicator and best at expressing my emotions because I am a stone cold person, I could kiss, fuck, and even lie to get what I want and some how I fell for this man. I can't even call him a man more of a boy and a coward who falls for everyone's opinion. He is the absolute opposite of me I guess what I'm saying. Eventually they broke up but we continued what we've been doing. He eventually felt that he needed a way to get away from his ex so he entertained another female because his friends wanted him and because she liked him, while also entertaining apparently an ex side piece. I didn't care till eventually I grew emotions, of jealousy and no longer very understanding and forced him to choose between his facade and me. He eventually got angry at me but chose me, but eventually he continued to entertain his old side piece despite me telling him to cut it off because of his history and demons of feeling guilty that he wronged her by hurting her feelings while she was a side piece and while she was the side piece they were spotted and he was old on. He continued to entertain her feelings despite mine, I eventually started dating him while he made it seem like if we were announced that his old side piece would do some damage, but I wasn't afraid because I knew I was more scarier and something to worry about. As we continued to date and have "good times and memories" he was still entertaining her for up to 2 maybe almost 3 years. Eventually we broke up due to he needed to find himself as a person and I let him go as I was not going to hold on to something that didn't want me even if I loved it. He started talking to the side piece despite telling me not to worry about her, while telling me to leave if I was unhappy, that enraged me and that made me snap and think this was karma, but no this was happening because he thought he was smart, ha everything under his control and the manipulator of the whole situation. He continued after the break up to tell me he loved me while entertaining me and her, when I tell you I started feuding with this girl I really did. I made sure her life was miserable for a year, when I said before I was scary, you should've really seen it. She liked to attack without thinking of the after effects and I know how to play victim and villain at the same time. I placed her in many situation where he was angry and enraged with her, but in the end its not like he got rid of her which I knew so in the end she'll have to stay and continue with my torcher. I posted pictures of us hanging out, some couple like pictures, it wasn't like he wasn't have sex with me anymore and we had pretty much seen each other and been with each other almost everyday. The torcher and seeing her see everything was like ecstasy for me because I knew she was upset and bothered. He would still show up to my important events and she knew he did as well which is why I always seen her anger and upset ness in text during those events through the reflection of his eyes as he checks his phone. Eventually I told him why did he still has her around and he continues to tell me not to worry about it which annoyed me a bit but not surprised and continue with his whole is you're not happy leave. I eventually had to fly away for work and it was a new scenery and opportunity for me to move on, but I could not continue without feeling completely done and happy. While far away I took many new interests in different men, had plenty of meaningless sex with men, learned a lot about different men and how my normal personality was and affected them when I was not in love with them. I felt a little cold and bad but what could I do? Eventually sometimes I went back to my hometown where my ex was and we continued having our "feelingful" sex, I will say once you get a taste of other men with better, bigger, and those that just want to please you completely first you'll have a craving for it even with someone I dare say I love. Eventually I got caught with my many affairs, and he went angrily and ballistic that I was doing other men besides him. Said that he loved me and said that he said all those words I didn't like because he wanted me to be happy. He really thought I'd leave peacefully, I haven't been pleasured by this man for 2 years after our affairs. I said for him why did he bother and care for me when he had his side piece still around and didn't cut her off like I said to, and right there and then he did. Pathetic, if that's how he wanted to show me he cared, if not for what I said at that point he wouldn't have done it. I had now some explaining to do to him and I wanted to laugh at that point because he was crying when honestly I should be, he turned a stone cold untouchable woman to an absolute heart smitten protective lover to her old self and an absolute monster. I obviously said you could leave if you want I won't stop, chase or explain myself if you don't want me to and you should've felt the pure silence. I was kind of happy but not exactly cause unfortunately I still loved him at a point which meant it made my heart pound and feel bad. He at first angrily wanted me to leave, but his anger turned into complete tears and all I can see was broken. Which now makes me feel bad that I ended up having to be the bad guy. He wanted to know why I slept with other men and was he the problem and what he did wrong that I decided to sleep with other men. Doesn't this sound and feel like some bullshit. I wanted to say it was completely you who brought this upon yourself but I still had a heart when it came to him, I still regarded him as special compared to all the men I slept with and eventually never talked to again unless for sex. I decided to soften up and try not to completely break him as a person to the point he goes to the brink of suicide because honestly you could see no life in his eyes anymore and his entire face swollen from the tears. I decided to comfort him and make him feel like not an absolute dumb piece of shit. He said he's tried changing for himself but also for me and he tried his very best and he know he made many mistakes with me and cannot change it but he will do better in the future. As much as I'm with him and I guess I love him there's somewhere in my heart where I can never forget what he's done to me and because of this I feel I cannot move on as a better person. We are back together and I still have the men I slept with on my phone and I now have a cheating problem and less sympathy as a person and for some reason I lie now a lot just to make him feel better and secure. Pretty much I'm a monster and I do any stupid shit. Now is the moment where I will probably hear replies of what to do an help to be a better person or the women that judge and tell me I'm a home wreck and that I deserved the karma and that I'm probably a monster.