I went to the shoe store with my friend this weekend to prepare for the start of a new year. I did not need any new shoes but when in a shoe store with your friend, how can one resist trying on shoes? I found a nice pair of sneakers in the clearance section- bright colors, good support, and in my size, a very popular shoe size for women, and with the low price, how had nobody purchased these yet? My friend and I made our way to the checkout, each with our findings in arms. When it was my turn to pay the cashier, a motherly hen of a woman with spiky blond hair said “are you sure you want these shoes? They are two different sizes so they might not fit quite right.” The cashier fanned out the tongue of the shoe to show me. Sure enough, the left shoe was one size smaller than the right. She explained that's why they were on clearance, nobody wanted two different sized shoes. Since my feet had fit the shoes just fine when giving them a test, I completed the purchase. The woman boxed my shoes up and I left the store, turning my back on her perplexed expression as to why someone would purchase two shoes of different sizes. This was just one instance in a series of events not fitting quite right throughout my life. In school I was well liked but not “popular”, silly but no “class clown”, pretty but not “beautiful,” and fit but not an “athlete”. As a result, it has always been challenging to make friends, keep friends, and to fit in. A teacher once called my parents so proud that one of his students had gotten top marks in all areas of the annual subject testing. For me, that meant being good at many subjects, but not particularly interested in any one area. I could not find one special thing or subject that I was deeply passionate about or even something that generally piqued my interest. Even within my own family the immediate members were outcast from the main group and simultaneously were ashamed of my lack of friends. In college I vowed to make a change and paved a way for myself to be more than mediocre. I found addiction and it was wonderful. I learned how to make changes in my mind and in my body to get what I wanted. I learned how to prioritize my time for what was “really important” and learned the limit to just how far I could push myself. I discovered I could finally be the best at something and found people with whom I could fit in and who shared my similar behaviors. To my newfound friends, these behaviors were a habit while to me, it had become a lifestyle. In truth, addiction had found me, and it was awful. I had little understanding of what damage I was actually doing to my body, friends, and family and by the time I realized, it was too late for me to stop on my own. With treatment, support, and recovery, I realized I did not fit in there, either. During my stay we completed an exercise where we identified our “triggers” or what we thought may be the cause of our addiction from our past history. I was shocked to find no peers with the same “triggers” as my own and even the therapist, who had seen so many patients, found me to be an intriguing and interesting case.Leaving treatment with high hopes I got a job in my career field only to quickly discover that this was not a good fit, either. I seemed to be able to complete the hardest of projects at a pace pleasing to my superiors but when it came to the simplest of tasks, I often fell short. I was trapped in a constant state of feeling the need to be better, do better, or be released from my position. Mind you, I was never on the break of being fired, i simply felt like i would be on a moment by moment basis, every single day. Oftentimes I thought of leaving my job for another to travel because perhaps then I would discover my place, however the overwhelming anxiety that came with leaving kept me in my space. Like two different sized shoes, it is as if my brain operates on a different wavelength than everybody else’s and causes me to feel as if I do not fit. On occasion I am able to step to the level of the rest of the world, but only in rare occurrences. To this day one of my shoes is encased in the addiction while the other desires continue forwards in my life. Nobody wants too different sized shoes.Will I ever find a space in this world where I fit?