You had me at such a young age because you were disappointed in yourself with getting pregnant, he didn’t stay nor did he help you out in your time of need. Do I remind you of him? Is that why you dislike me? Your mom used to look after me in our home because she was homeless and don’t have anywhere to stay and you needed a babysitter because you needed to work. I liked her, she was nice until your sister tricked her into living with her instead and looking after her children. You left me alone. I was alone and scared of everything because I didn’t like to be alone. Some weeks I didn’t even get to speak to you because you were working, I was scared of the loud noises and the dark hallway and the shadows and the creaking the pipes made and the rattling the radiator made and sometimes I was scared that you wouldn’t come back. I tried to reconnect with your mom but she wasn’t the same, she wasn’t as sweet or as caring and she didn’t want to spend time with me anymore, she left as quickly as she stayed, leaving me with a goodbye note. She wasn’t busy, she just didn’t want to be around me anymore. And I decided that she no longer wanted me, just like you. Because you’d leave me to spend time with your lovers, you’d leave me to run off on small holidays without telling me, you’d leave me alone without so much as a goodbye. Is it me? Did I do something? Do I make you uncomfortable? Are you happy now that I moved away as quickly as I could? You contact me once every two weeks just to say hi, but I feel like that’s a problem. I don’t care, I just want to know. Why is it that my own best friends family treat me better than my own? They’re so kind, and I feel like I’m intruding. And her mom compliments me and her sister is so funny and her brother is a moody teenager and her step-dad is kind. She’s my best friend. Why are you so awful to each other? Why do you say such hurtful things to one another? Why do your sisters and brother and cousins and all of those related to you feel the need to fight and yell and punch and hurt their own? Your family and you do such horrible things, for what reason? When you found out that I was cutting myself you made me feel like I was disgusting and awful for doing it, you tried to guilt trip me and then told everyone at your stupid family gathering what I did. That was private and that was secret. I hated when they stared at me and I had to pretended that I didn’t hear you, I hate that they would try and look at what I did, I hated that you told people about it. I get so uncomfortable when people try and show me the slightest bit of affection. I went on a date and he tried to hold my hand and I got nervous because what if I did something wrong and he hated me? I try and get attention from creepy, no good people because I don’t think I’m worth too much, a lot of the time, they’re around your age and older. As soon as I turned 18 I went on all of those shitty dating sites just so people would call me pretty, for a little validation, so I couldn’t be compared to you or any of your family members. Because they’d all say I looked like you and I don’t want to be you. I want to be loved and to love, and I want affection and attention, and I want someone to hold my hand, and I want someone to tell me they want to spend time with me, and don’t want to be left alone anymore. I’m debating on changing my last name because I don’t have any connection to it. You got married so you’re no longer a part of their family, I don’t like your family or theirs. I didn’t like your husband because you let him, a total stranger, into our home without even a warning. He was mean and he’d argue over everything, when I tried to avoid him you’d get mad at me, when we argued, you’d get mad at me, you’re impossible. I love you because you birthed me. Does that make me a bad person? Am I awful because I’ve only stayed in contact with you because your my mom? I want to love you but you make me sad, lately, I haven’t cried in awhile and I feel as if I'm becoming less real. I thought about off-ing myself not because I was sad this time, but because I was bored. Because I wanted something new, to maybe be reborn into something more fascinating. Maybe I’m being dramatic. I love you but I’m bored of all of this.Blue.

You had me at such a young age because you were disappointed in yourself with getting pregnant, he didn’t stay nor did he help you out in your time of need. Do I remind you of him? Is that why you dislike me?Your mom used to look after me in our home because she was homeless and don’t have anywhere to stay and you needed a babysitter because you needed to work. I liked her, she was nice until your sister tricked her into living with her instead and looking after her children. You left me alone. I was alone and scared of everything because I didn’t like to be alone. Some weeks I didn’t even get to speak to you because you were working, I was scared of the loud noises and the dark hallway and the shadows and the creaking the pipes made and the rattling the radiator made and sometimes I was scared that you wouldn’t come back.I tried to reconnect with your mom but she wasn’t the same, she wasn’t as sweet or as caring and she didn’t want to spend time with me anymore, she left as quickly as she stayed, leaving me with a goodbye note. She wasn’t busy, she just didn’t want to be around me anymore. And I decided that she no longer wanted me, just like you. Because you’d leave me to spend time with your lovers, you’d leave me to run off on small holidays without telling me, you’d leave me alone without so much as a goodbye.Is it me? Did I do something? Do I make you uncomfortable? Are you happy now that I moved away as quickly as I could? You contact me once every two weeks just to say hi, but I feel like that’s a problem. I don’t care, I just want to know. Why is it that my own best friends family treat me better than my own? They’re so kind, and I feel like I’m intruding. And her mom compliments me and her sister is so funny and her brother is a moody teenager and her step-dad is kind. She’s my best friend.Why are you so awful to each other? Why do you say such hurtful things to one another? Why do your sisters and brother and cousins and all of those related to you feel the need to fight and yell and punch and hurt their own? Your family and you do such horrible things, for what reason? When you found out that I was cutting myself you made me feel like I was disgusting and awful for doing it, you tried to guilt trip me and then told everyone at your stupid family gathering what I did. That was private and that was secret. I hated when they stared at me and I had to pretended that I didn’t hear you, I hate that they would try and look at what I did, I hated that you told people about it.I get so uncomfortable when people try and show me the slightest bit of affection. I went on a date and he tried to hold my hand and I got nervous because what if I did something wrong and he hated me? I try and get attention from creepy, no good people because I don’t think I’m worth too much, a lot of the time, they’re around your age and older. As soon as I turned 18 I went on all of those shitty dating sites just so people would call me pretty, for a little validation, so I couldn’t be compared to you or any of your family members. Because they’d all say I looked like you and I don’t want to be you.I want to be loved and to love, and I want affection and attention, and I want someone to hold my hand, and I want someone to tell me they want to spend time with me, and don’t want to be left alone anymore. I’m debating on changing my last name because I don’t have any connection to it. You got married so you’re no longer a part of their family, I don’t like your family or theirs. I didn’t like your husband because you let him, a total stranger, into our home without even a warning. He was mean and he’d argue over everything, when I tried to avoid him you’d get mad at me, when we argued, you’d get mad at me, you’re impossible.I love you because you birthed me. Does that make me a bad person? Am I awful because I’ve only stayed in contact with you because your my mom? I want to love you but you make me sad, lately, I haven’t cried in awhile and I feel as if I'm becoming less real. I thought about off-ing myself not because I was sad this time, but because I was bored. Because I wanted something new, to maybe be reborn into something more fascinating.Maybe I’m being dramatic.I love you but I’m bored of all of this.Blue.

You are not the root of you moms problem. You are not the problem. A persons inability to care for someone, even their child is not a burden you should carry because they don’t know how to care. I was raised by parents who experienced what you did. They grew to be wonderful people who want to help everyone they can, they took what happened to them and used their experience to better the world- to help those who felt they had no one. My parents ended up fostering, my family is vast because they wanted to make sure any child left unloved or wanted had a home because they deserved it. You are loved, you matter, you just haven’t found your people yet but when you do: oh boy- you will love them fiercely because you know what it means to not feel that love and you never want someone else to feel that way. Stay strong, stay fierce , let this be a driving force in you to be a light for those who need it. This is just the start of your journey.

You are not the root of you moms problem. You are not the problem. A persons inability to care for someone, even their child is not a burden you should carry because they don’t know how to care. I was raised by parents who experienced what you did. They grew to be wonderful people who want to help everyone they can, they took what happened to them and used their experience to better the world- to help those who felt they had no one. My parents ended up fostering, my family is vast because they wanted to make sure any child left unloved or wanted had a home because they deserved it. You are loved, you matter, you just haven’t found your people yet but when you do: oh boy- you will love them fiercely because you know what it means to not feel that love and you never want someone else to feel that way. Stay strong, stay fierce , let this be a driving force in you to be a light for those who need it. This is just the start of your journey. 