I really have nothing to h*** onto . I’m thinking of killing myself but I’m scared of failing or what’s after death ! No feelings , no people to love who maybe could stop me from ending it ... I’m just living with a weight on my shoulders that is getting hard to carry .
I’m outside and I can’t escape it , I feel like crying but no tears ever escape my eyes . It’s like I’m being tortured with pain and I don’t even have a way to relieve it . Maybe d*** over***e , maybe I could h*** myself .
I used to s*****le myself with a b*** to the point where I couldn’t hold it , or burn myself to at least feel something , if I can’t feel happiness or love on the inside and I’m sick of feeling pain , at least I could escape that for a second while the c*******e is p****ed onto my skin . I quit because I had a dream that I wanted to accomplish , it has kept me alive for 17 years . Now as a teenager , I’m wondering wether it’s just my age or my life that’s treating me like this!
I want to die every day , I think about it day and night yet I just want to find a reason to keep living , a reason to be as happy as someone else ! And I hate myself for bantering because some people are in worse positions than me but I don’t have anyone who could understand me so I guess I’ll write it all here .
I also see myself happier as a man , I was born in the wrong body . I smile on the inside when o think of myself as a man , maybe that’s not a full reason to think of myself as being trans , I don’t even know how it works but I guess that’s all I have to say .
I’m positive this is a curse put on me , a curse to not feel love , a curse that makes people not feel happy around me , or in love with me . A curse that keeps killing or taking away feelings and people that I like or love . I want to live but every day it’s getting harder and harder to breathe .