I’m so sick of life. I keep saying I’m fine and no one knows anything. No one cares enough to see it. I’m just selfish in thinking this way, I have a future lined up, a good education, but life is just not what I want. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to life like this. It would be better of if someone else was born in my place and I never existed. Just erase me and fall away so I can stop smiling, and laughing, and crying, and cracking. If I could just die doing something of value maybe that would be okay? Saving a kid from a burning building, pushing someone out of the way of a car coming, but heros don’t exist. So I just keep on pushing forward with this stupid grin and smart girl act. Absolutely pathetic.
My dad’s a cop you know. Even with all this going on in the US I tried to believe up until the end my dad was good. Police were just individuals. They were all dads and moms and parents too, but the shit my dad tells me he’s done. There are no heros; I can’t even see my own dad the same now even though I want to go back. Oh, my mom? She’s a recovering drug addict that is a wicked mean drunk. But yes, no nothing is or has ever been wrong. My perfect little family.
The only person who ever sheltered me also said they were going to kill themselves. How the hell does a person respond to that?!? I can’t tell anyone or they will take away his ability to choose that for himself since he is in pain. We are the same, me and him. I would never take that one human thing away. Here I am at 12AM silently crying on an anonymous posting site, because I have no one I can tell or talk to.