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death scares me so much

i first realized my mortality at like 9 years old, but I didn't think much of it.

it got brought back around 16, when i was just a sad sack thinking "i'm gonna die anyway why do anything" but more in an emo, it's-inevitable-so-why-not-now type of way.

but now, at 19, i am TERRIFIED. especially bc of quarantine. i have next to nothing to do but think. and especially now that i have a boyfriend that i love so so much, more than anyone i've ever loved in my entire life.

it scares me to think that one day i WILL lose him, or vice versa. that i will lose my cats, and my dog, like i've lost all my pet rabbits and cat long ago, too. and it terrifies me most bc there's no escape -- it's going to happen. someday i just won't be able to breathe, my heart will stop beating, and i'll be lying in a coffin, or burnt to ashes. and i'll be in a void, everything is just darkness. it scares me so much, and i can't stop thinking about it. it's been a 2-month long existential crisis, and i'm only 19 for fuck's sake.

i just want to accept that it's going to happen, because IT IS. i don't want to die in denial, or unaccepting of it. i wish i was one of those people who think it's not a big deal, it's just an endless sleep, and stuff. i wish i believed in heaven and that i'll go there when i die, so i wouldn't be as terrified.

and i'm really afraid i'd never be able to stop thinking about death as long as i'm alive. it's like i ruin my own day every day thinking about the day i won't live a day anymore.