I don't know where else to turn to... Except for anonymous people on the internet.
My presence on the internet has been incredibly spotty at best. In some places i make a few friends or help someone with sonething, i know i can do good for people.
But 2019 was a dark year for me. Over the course of stress in my final year of schooling and other life issues... I made some vile comments to people. A prolific case to me is that i made some disturbing, sexual DMs (No nudes exchanged) to a 16 year old girl. I was 18. All she wanted was tips on how to play a certain class on a game and after doing so, ruined it for her. Rightfully, i was banned from a server over it. I apologised to this girl. I didn't want anything back from saying it, i know that nothing could be said to balance what i did.
Amongst maybe... Two or three other cases of stuff that are "less" questionable than this, i still hate and villify myself even after confessing what i did to friends. Even if they try to soften the self hatred of myself by saying that (using the case above as example) that two years apart is nothing or that i was just being a dumb, horny teen... It means nothing to me. I still hate myself. Nearly two years later and i still lose sleep over it. A name i grow fond of and use on the internet is tainted by a handful of people...
All of this and yet i dream of having a sort of job playing video games to an audience. Like youtube or twitch. But in this age of social media, i can easily lose it all if someone steps out and says "Yeah, before he made a career out of the name he loves and all this other stuff, he was a fucking creep."
I know i've grown. I feel remorse every day. I hate the actions i did two years ago. I know that i'll haunt myself forever and run the risk of getting exposed if i try to pursue my dream.
Sometimes i just feel like a cancer to the world that should die for my actions. The ultimate payment for what i did.
I don't know what to do.