To put it quite simply I’m hurt, and damaged. There’s a lot that goes behind those all too simple words. It’s become a vicious cycle that I have put myself in. I’ve become dependent on it, because I know it will always be there. I forget where it began, much less how. It’s become so present to the point where I think I was born with it. I’m dependent on something that hurts me because it’s been a constant, it hasn’t left. It’s the thing I could fall back one when there was no one else there. It’s become a safe place even though I hate being there, it makes me hate myself. Everyday I try to fight it and every single day I lose, but some losses are easier than others. It’s become somewhat peaceful inside the pain. It has become quite addictive, I feel guilty without it. I have never thought of myself as becoming an addict to anything, but the minute you let it take over is the minute it gets addictive. It’s hard to put something so much more than we understand into words, or to even understand it quite frankly. It’s made me discover a painful side of myself, a side that is in so much pain, a side that feels so vulnerable all the time, a side that feels so weak it could crack like an egg, and a side that knows the words I give up all too well. It’s so different every time though. A dock over a lake is often what I see. I am on the dock and the water is gray, the sky is gray, it’s the gloomy kind of gray, the kind of gray that can control your emotions; the kind of gray I think eeyore would live in. The lake is a vast lake extending for miles, it’s all you see you can’t see what’s behind you nor can you see the end of the lake. Some days you sit on the dock too scared to jump in, living in a fear. Some days you dive straight into the lake and nothing happens. Other times you dive into the lake and you start drowning, grasping for something that you can’t reach or isn't there, gasping for air in the water. Some days you are at the bottom of the lake looking up at the gloomy sky, you’ve already drowned and now you are just laying on the floor of the lake watching as the fish swim around you. You may take a boat on to the lake and row straight ahead only to find that you keep rowing and rowing and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. You may take the boat out again and as the dock fades away from your vision you become lost in the vastness of the lake. However, everyday you are at the lake your heart is always heavy. It feels like an anvil is weighing it down but you can’t do anything about it. As I try to comprehend if I have done something to deserve this or if it’s just a phase it all just gets too confusing or it’s too hard to deal with. I feel sometimes I’m stuck going through the steps everyday but not living in the day. It’s disassociating myself from myself. There's no happy way to end it because I don’t know if I want to, sometimes the pain outweighs the fear no matter how painful it may be. There’s actually no way to put it quite simply or to understand it or deal with it or get over it. I keep getting sucked into the thing that hurts me most and the deeper I get down the rabbit hole it becomes harder to hold, and I become more dependent on what I see as the only way to be me.