depression
suicide
pain
stressful

Depression

Time Spent- 5m
15 Visitors

As far as I am concerned I’ve been pretty emotionally stable. Until around my sophomore year. My father killed himself when I was 3 and my mother didn’t want me so I started living with my grandparents. I love them and appreciate them so much but they are not people I would tell any of my problems to. So getting back to my sophomore year. I was taking 5 Ap classes and my grades were not the best. My grandparents noticed and they were not happy. Every time I would step out of my room to go talk to them or just to get some water I would get yelled at. I would get called useless, or they would compare me to my cousin. I tried to fix my grades but school was getting to stressful. I still managed to pass every class but I used to be an all A student. My grandparents didn’t understand the term Ap, pre-Ap or on level so they expected me to be an all A student again. I wouldn’t come out of my room. I would eat dinner before they got home and just stay in my room. It got to the point of me seeing my grandparents for about 3 minutes a day if I saw them at all. I noticed I just didn’t feel the best. Depression never crossed my mind because I thought I wasn’t the type to get depressed. But one day I was sitting in my room listening to music and had a break down. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried for around 3 hours. Suicide crossed my mind multiple times. I thought about my father, why he did it, if there was anything I could do. I thought about my mother, why she didn’t want me, maybe my grandparents are right and I am useless. I never actually cried about my fathers death since then or even thought about my mother. I held it in for 12 years and it all came out at once. And now I admit, I am depressed. I don’t tell anyone anything anymore, not even my girlfriend who I’ve been dating for 3 years. (Doesn’t seem like a lot but for a high school kid that is like forever) Suicide crosses my mind every now and then but I’m to much of a pussy. I don’t want any pain and I don’t want to hurt anyone around me. So suicide is definitely not an option. But everything hurts. I haven’t passed a class in 7 months, I’ve been arguing with my girlfriend a lot, I never hang out with friends anymore, my grandparents haven’t said a word to me in 2 weeks, I sleep 14-15 hours a day. I just needed to say this on some sort of website. I don’t tell anyone anything in person. I’ll deal with it on my own but thanks for reading.