I hate my life. For context, I have suffered depression since childhood and recently it is getting to a head yet again. I have a husband, own a house, have a car, and two amazing kids: infant and toddler. All before 22. That should be a reason to be proud. To be happy.
I am not. I love my kids, but sometimes when my depression escalates bad enough, like today. I begin to hate them. I mean really, seriously, wish I would have just aborted them. I also have to fight the urge to shoot myself in the head with my husband's gun in our garage.
The thing is, no matter how much I try to make sure everyone is happy. I don't feel adequate. I don't feel like I'm a good enough mom. I get angry so fast sometimes and while I generally don't spank my toddler, I do snap at him probably more than necessary. And sometimes despite not hitting him, I look at him and vaugely want to throw him at a wall...repeatedly. He can be a complete asshole if I'm being honest. And I recently had to become a stay at home mom and have no place to really go, which also is known to impact my depression (thanks Covid). I feel trapped. And no matter how I try to make things better I just keep feeling like I'm fucking up. My husband doesn't feel like I should be stressed so much, my MIL literally laughs if I try to vent to her. So does my sister (doesn't have kids). And I just feel like no one is listening or taking me serious.
I feel like when my husband does listen, I only accomplish upsetting him or making him feel bad.
I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I feel like they could all do so much better. And I hate them for it. I also have strong difficulty remembering things despite being young. I don't know why for sure, I've been that way since before having children and only gotten worse after. But that often leads to me fucking up double. I just hate myself and when I'm not depressed I'm suppressing hot rage at everything around me. I don't feel like I have a right to still be suffering with depression. My problems are belittled often enough that I am thinking maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe I just don't know how to be happy. And I want to kill myself because I feel like I deserve it.