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Depression

I hate my life. For context, I have suffered depression since childhood and recently it is getting to a head yet again. I have a husband, own a house, have a car, and two amazing kids: infant and toddler. All before 22. That should be a reason to be proud. To be happy.


I am not. I love my kids, but sometimes when my depression escalates bad enough, like today. I begin to hate them. I mean really, seriously, wish I would have just aborted them. I also have to fight the urge to shoot myself in the head with my husband's gun in our garage.


The thing is, no matter how much I try to make sure everyone is happy. I don't feel adequate. I don't feel like I'm a good enough mom. I get angry so fast sometimes and while I generally don't spank my toddler, I do snap at him probably more than necessary. And sometimes despite not hitting him, I look at him and vaugely want to throw him at a wall...repeatedly. He can be a complete asshole if I'm being honest. And I recently had to become a stay at home mom and have no place to really go, which also is known to impact my depression (thanks Covid). I feel trapped. And no matter how I try to make things better I just keep feeling like I'm fucking up. My husband doesn't feel like I should be stressed so much, my MIL literally laughs if I try to vent to her. So does my sister (doesn't have kids). And I just feel like no one is listening or taking me serious.

I feel like when my husband does listen, I only accomplish upsetting him or making him feel bad.

I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I feel like they could all do so much better. And I hate them for it. I also have strong difficulty remembering things despite being young. I don't know why for sure, I've been that way since before having children and only gotten worse after. But that often leads to me fucking up double. I just hate myself and when I'm not depressed I'm suppressing hot rage at everything around me. I don't feel like I have a right to still be suffering with depression. My problems are belittled often enough that I am thinking maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe I just don't know how to be happy. And I want to kill myself because I feel like I deserve it.

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Re: Depression

If your husband is not listening to you and brushing off your depression like it's nothing, then MAKE him listen. Sometimes you have to have a mental breakdown to get people to listen. And if he doesn't listen to you after watching you then it might be time to talk to him about getting a divorce. Maybe then he'll listen. And if he's willing to go through with the divorce, then you don't need him in your life.



They don't take you seriously because they believe you're fine but if you can really talk to your husband or anyone close to you about your suicidal thoughts and try to seek medical help, it will be a nice option.



But don't end your life dear....I'm sure you won't want your kids to go through some shitty things all because you killed yourself and the fact that you married means there's a dearly loved one for you so try explaining things to him dear.