I'm from Africa. In my primary school, life was simple, just do whatever the fuck you want and It doesn't matter what the other people think you know? Life was perfect even though I didn't know it yet.So in my final year of primary school, I had a friend, my bestfriend. I'm gonna call him Mike. So Mike and I had been friends for give years, he befriended me after my sister was shipped off to boarding school. He was my sister's friend first. Mike did all sorts of things like, sometimes he would just lay his head in my lap for a cuddle, or slip into my bed during sleepovers to have those deep conversations saved for midnight. He would alwayd opt to sit with me when we watched horror movies and snuggle into me at every jump scare, he kissed my hands and sometimes, very rarely he would give me little love bites on my neck.Sometimes, most of the time, I was mean to him. I would call him names and blackmail him even sometimes hit him. But that was just how we rolled, pretend to hate each other yet deep down we loved each other more than anything, or so I thought.Naturally, I started liking him, j loved it when he would sit next to me and place his fingers into mine under the table, when he would lean in to tell me a secret my heart speeding up because I thought he would kiss me, and I loved how his eyelids fluttered shut whenever I played with his hair. He was gorgeous.We were supposed to go to the same secondary school but Mike didn't get accepted. My devastation was blinding. I wasnt ready to face going to a new school alone. Not when Mike and I had planned the details for years earlier.Mike went to my sister's school which only made things about a million times worse for my jealous arse. Somehow I knew she would steal him back from me, and i dreaded being alone again.Needless to say, Mike and I distanced that term and when I went back home, we had barely anything to say to each other. It was like we hadn't been cuddling and exchanging secrets just three months before. Now, Mike told my sister his secrets and they had inside jokes I wasn't in on, I had never felt to betrayed in my whole life.I went back to school the next term with the full intention of forgetting all about Mike. I hated it. I hated not having someone to talk to. I didnt even know how to talk to people. It was like some big gap had been formed between me and all the people in my life, I felt so alone. I tried to replace him, but somehow, now I couldn't even talk to a guy without thinking of how badly he would reject me. I had developed major trust issues.Like why didnt Mike like me anymore, was I ugly, boring, dumb? I felt unworthy of love and hence i put myself down, wallowing deeper into my pit of misery. I was lonely, sad and insecure, closed off from the outside world. It was shocking how much of an impact Mike had on my image of myself.When I finally got back home, I decided, the only way to fix myself was to get Mike to like me again. Simple right?I tried texting him, but he always ignored me. Or he would say something like,"You're so different now it's like o dont even know you." And if I ever asked him to elaborate, he would always reply with a simple, "Skip it." Or ignore me altogether.So becoming desperate I pulled out the big guns, writing him long letters about how we used to be when we were younger hoping the memory of better times would coax him into being my friend again. He always ignored me. So I sent him quotes like; "I wish I were a little girl agin, because skinned knees are easier to fix than a broken heart.", "Can you see the pain beneath my smile?", "Ever just break down and cry because you know things will never be the same?"He ignored those too. So I tried to let him go believe me I did, I tried to walk away, and start a fresh, but I couldn't. I always had that overwhelming anxiety and insecurity clawing at my insides, telling me I'm not good enough, and that's probably why Mike left. Nevertheless I made a few new friends, none of them boys, I couldn't trust guys anymore.When I went back home again, Mike could barely look me in the eye and talk to me, or even sit in the same couch as me, he couldn't cuddle with me or hug me or hold my hand. He just withdrew completely from anything to do with me.He went back to my sister, cuddled with her, held her hand, let her touch his hair and told her all his secrets. He was closer with her than he ever was with me and I suppose that's fair, she was his friend first. It still hurt like a fucking bitch.One day, I was feeling really vulnerable, someone had done something to me, I barely remember what had made me so sad that day.I was irritable, snapping at everyone, crying at the smallest hint of confrontation, I couldn't even argue back if I was insulted anymore. I felt like I deserved the insults.That night I received the first text from Mike in like six months, saying I was enough, no matter what happened.I felt like I was going to combust into flames intact I was so overwhelmed with emotion, that I didn't think twice before declaring my undying love for him. He replied with a simple, "What the fuck??"That was it for us, I felt like he had ripped my heart out of my chest and slowly cut it into millions of tiny pieces before throwing it into a fucking trash bag.never spoke normally again after that, only talking if we can't avoid it, and it broke me.Do that's it, the rest went downhill after that. The suicidal thoughts, the social withdrawal, inability to trust anyone ever again.Sometimes I would break down into tears at the most random times, unable to help the pain i felt inside at the mere mention of his name.I couldn't explain why I felt so drained, soo even the crying stopped. I was left alone. Not capable of feeling emotions.My parents never noticed. No one noticed, that I was lost, and probably rotting inside. I got sick , always feeling nauseous, insomnia, fucking loss of appetite.One thing was for sure though, I would never ever let anyone feel what Mike made me feel, never let anyone love me so hard that they would literally fucking give everything up for me. Never let anyone feel left out or ignored of forgotten. I made that my life mission.Alongside trying to work on my mental help trying to feel good about my body and personality again. Up till now, I'm still trying...Anonymous.