I kinda use this site like a digital diary since my mom told me if I had a diary she would read it. Honestly I try to see things her way on account of my aunt getting my cousin help after reading her diary, but I still really feel pissed at the thought. I get that depression runs in our family but maybe if she listened to me when I am asking for help (but am too scared of making her be the mom of two depressed kids) without it having to be behind my back (like I don’t know reading your kid’s diary) I would be more willing. I love her but she is such a contradiction and she thinks that she is the most straightforward person in the world. She wants me to talk but she never listens, she wants me to be confident but she is one of the biggest reasons I don’t trust myself with anything, she wants me to have friends but I’m not supposed to be weird (aka myself) and I can’t ever talk about my family to anyone because what happens in our house is only about us and nobody else. Hell im not supposed to talk about stuff with our extended family even because they don’t get it. I’m mad 30% of the time but I know leaving would put me in such a tail spin that I would hospitalized in less then 6 months. But I’m not crying right now because I got a puppy sleeping at my feet and if I cry I will wake her. Funny how a little life in the same place as you helps pull you back. Now that I got that out of my system I’m going to bed I got school tomorrow. I am a happy person just that 30% of the time likes kicking me in the gut when I can’t sleep.