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Disappointment..

When i was little i had the responsibility of being the special child, which made me give up a lot of emotions, self-love, and most of all it showed me how much of an individual i wasn't. Me being that way had actually impacted who i'd become as a person, i'm a asshole. I know this is fact. I get insulted and i don't fight back, which was an issue in itself. When asked about it, i just shrug.

As i grew up, the moment i wasn't becoming the way i wanted to be. I fell into a moment of self loathing- one where i would grab and squeeze at my throat. I would fall into this a lot, and when i it happened in front of people just once...that impacted the way i'd be seen basically forever-in school anyway...


With this as my coping mechanism, it became more and more clear. Why should i exist? I became a problem to my family, one that i will throw away any linking to, my friends, the few that i had and most of all i feel like i drag my girlfriend down. It was rare that i'd get tied down, since apparently i was very 'promiscuous.' Could i get some insight on different coping mechanisms, or literally any other insight covered in this?


I feel like i'm losing sight of myself, or whatever i called myself.