I'm getting old. I'm not there yet but I can see it coming. I'm not worried about getting old exactly, but I'd like to die having accomplished a few things, and despite my best efforts I'm really not on track. I'm fine with it if I never marry. I don't want children - I love kids but I'm not cut out for parenting and I believe any kid deserves more than I can offer, especially now that I am in my forties. My own father was about my age when I was born and it wasn't a good situation. I was like, "hey, Dad, teach me to play ball," and he was like, "hey, son, I need a beer and a nap," so there's no way I'm doing that to myself or a child. But it's not chiefly my age, it's just...ME. I knew in my teens that I wasn't cut out for parenting, and probably not for a romantic relationship either - I'm asexual and sex repulsed, and being around small children makes me feel nervous and inadequate as a person because I just don't feel I could ever be good enough for any child. So I gave up on a lot of the typical stuff people usually assume they'll do in life, and I'm okay with that. I don't need to be a husband or a dad or a boyfriend. I just want to get somewhere in my career, have a modest home to retire to, and take care of some needy animals. Anything else is extra. Unfortunately I am having a terrible time making this happen. I'm great at what I do for a living but I suck at advertising. Once I get a client into my office the magic starts...I guess it's not magic to them since they have to do the exercises, but the fact that we have a whole art and science of physical therapy that addresses so many otherwise literally crippling problems is really like a miracle. People see results and their lives get better. I just have a hard time letting people know that I exist in the first place. I literally can't think of one mode of advertising I haven't tried. Nothing seems to really do the trick. People could be getting my help and they're not. I could be making better money but I'm not. Nothing about this feels good. I'd be perfectly happy to retire from my career, having really helped more people in the community, to a one bedroom cabin with a few special needs dogs and some chickens out back. It's nothing a hundred people haven't done - I used to live down the road from a farm where a woman adopted every three legged dog and cat she saw at the local shelters to keep them from risking euthanasia, and they were the happiest bunch of dogs and cats you ever saw. I'd like to do something like that but with dogs suffering from posterior paralysis - people don't realize you can usually put a dog in a wheelchair and he'll basically be like every other dog you ever met, and even if that won't work, you can give some dogs a diaper and a warm place beside you and they'll have everything they ever really wanted. My old dog had special needs as an old man and we did fine together. I could've done that for four dogs and been okay. You just treat a dog like you want to be treated - respect, loving attention, problem solving when needed - and he's happy, even if he's half paralyzed and mostly deaf. You realize with a disabled dog that there's almost always something left for dogs to enjoy. You figure out what makes living worthwhile for him, and you make sure he gets that every day until he can't anymore - a walk in the sun, his very own little dish of lamb and rice, his favorite toy. The only hard part is letting go. I'd do that for a dozen dogs...but first I'd have to retire with some money and a house of my own on a little patch of land. I just don't like the fact that another year is winding down and I still don't see myself getting much closer to what I really want to do.

I'm getting old. I'm not there yet but I can see it coming. I'm not worried about getting old exactly, but I'd like to die having accomplished a few things, and despite my best efforts I'm really not on track.I'm fine with it if I never marry. I don't want children - I love kids but I'm not cut out for parenting and I believe any kid deserves more than I can offer, especially now that I am in my forties. My own father was about my age when I was born and it wasn't a good situation. I was like, "hey, Dad, teach me to play ball," and he was like, "hey, son, I need a beer and a nap," so there's no way I'm doing that to myself or a child. But it's not chiefly my age, it's just...ME. I knew in my teens that I wasn't cut out for parenting, and probably not for a romantic relationship either - I'm asexual and sex repulsed, and being around small children makes me feel nervous and inadequate as a person because I just don't feel I could ever be good enough for any child. So I gave up on a lot of the typical stuff people usually assume they'll do in life, and I'm okay with that. I don't need to be a husband or a dad or a boyfriend.I just want to get somewhere in my career, have a modest home to retire to, and take care of some needy animals. Anything else is extra. Unfortunately I am having a terrible time making this happen.I'm great at what I do for a living but I suck at advertising. Once I get a client into my office the magic starts...I guess it's not magic to them since they have to do the exercises, but the fact that we have a whole art and science of physical therapy that addresses so many otherwise literally crippling problems is really like a miracle. People see results and their lives get better. I just have a hard time letting people know that I exist in the first place. I literally can't think of one mode of advertising I haven't tried. Nothing seems to really do the trick. People could be getting my help and they're not. I could be making better money but I'm not. Nothing about this feels good.I'd be perfectly happy to retire from my career, having really helped more people in the community, to a one bedroom cabin with a few special needs dogs and some chickens out back. It's nothing a hundred people haven't done - I used to live down the road from a farm where a woman adopted every three legged dog and cat she saw at the local shelters to keep them from risking euthanasia, and they were the happiest bunch of dogs and cats you ever saw. I'd like to do something like that but with dogs suffering from posterior paralysis - people don't realize you can usually put a dog in a wheelchair and he'll basically be like every other dog you ever met, and even if that won't work, you can give some dogs a diaper and a warm place beside you and they'll have everything they ever really wanted. My old dog had special needs as an old man and we did fine together. I could've done that for four dogs and been okay. You just treat a dog like you want to be treated - respect, loving attention, problem solving when needed - and he's happy, even if he's half paralyzed and mostly deaf. You realize with a disabled dog that there's almost always something left for dogs to enjoy. You figure out what makes living worthwhile for him, and you make sure he gets that every day until he can't anymore - a walk in the sun, his very own little dish of lamb and rice, his favorite toy. The only hard part is letting go. I'd do that for a dozen dogs...but first I'd have to retire with some money and a house of my own on a little patch of land.I just don't like the fact that another year is winding down and I still don't see myself getting much closer to what I really want to do.