I don’t know if it’s normal to think about your death, to way up the negatives and positives of you not planning your own ending. It’s so hard to ‘live’ for someone else when every emotion you feel is pain and turns you back to the thought of the peace you could feel if you just weren’t. When I look back on the pain and suffering I have gone through it all adds up to how I am now, I have felt this way to an extent now for coming up to 10 years, and the thought of having to go another 70-80 is petrifying. Another 70/80 years of hardship, pain, tourmeant and continuous battles with my own self. I am my own worst enemy and the darkness is so strong that it’s a battle everyday to keep it away from me. I’m scared that I’ll loose to it every day. I’m scared to tell anyone how deeply rooted the pain is because I know I won’t be able to carry on as I am now and may loose everything. I overthink every single part of my day to when I wake up, what I eat, how horrible I look, how everyone surrounding me secretly despises me and talks about me to when I come home and think that even Scott and Miley don’t care for me. Especially like tonight when I just needed Scott to remind me that I was loved and I am okay with how I look and he has just done the opposite, he has fed into the darkness and the thought of ending it all hasn’t ever looked so peaceful. I think of who I would leave behind and think of the pain it may cause them. Nan and Bamp would be okay, nan is strong and is so resilient that she would help bampi through it. Scott has his family to fall back on for support and has friends surrounding him. He deserves so much better than me so really it would be a blessing in disguise to not have to put up with me anymore. He could live his life with someone normal, that doesn’t have all of this baggage and could live with happiness rather than with me. Thalia is the only one I worry about, she has been abandoned over and over again and I feel for her so deeply, but if guardian angels are true I will come back as hers and guide her through life in the best way I can. She has such a beautiful life ahead of her and I hope her brain isn’t too far gone to let her be happy. I don’t know what can save me and I’m scared as I loose more of the battle each day, I don’t know how long I can keep fighting the darkness because it as already consumed me with hardly anything helping me push through. I worry that I soon will be overwhelmed and the crave for peace will be too much to ignore.