do you ever fell in love?

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i am already 18 yrs old and i am old enough to describe my feelings. i never have a relationship to someone and they always ask me why, i am only 18 and for me i am old enough to seek someone i wanted to be with for a life time, but i just really cant. whenever i tried to meet someone or to know everything about them something holds me back, i want to fall in love but i really cant do it. even theres a person that were perfectly fine even not by looks but on everything i have known about that person. i always think that, no no no it was wrong that person shouldn't fell for you you should stop it. and yeah i ended up stopping to seek someone because i realize also that i should never push myself to do something just because someone might judge you for it and ask a never ending questions. my other friends told me i was asexual because of it and tease me about it and i dont understand what sexual means until i search it up lol, i know i am straight but this is a big question mark for me.. i hate myself for being so careful and being so scared from people. i just wish that one day i woke up with no voice at all or i wish that i never wake up.. i think falling in love will never happened to me even someone told me that i wasnt ready yet or the right person is not yet there for you so wait.. no i dont think so.. i fell in love with everybody who is kind to me even tho i realize that no one stays on my side. since i was a child i was the outcast of them all, they'll just noticed me because my name was on the list or they noticed me because i drew a lot on school but do you ever get the point that you are just there because you are there.. this is quite hard to understand i know but i am dying to think that do someone was invisible just like me?... i exist i know how to make friends but i was never there.. do i make myself clear anyways even by typing it here.. i guess not.. but i already accept that fact because i never want to be noticed at all too.. so whenever someone met me i know i am a person that will never leave anything even a memory of it will be gone once i am lost in their sights. i want to try to fall in love but i accept the fact that i will never be able to felt that way..... my mind isnt a roller coaster at all but a dark empty sink hole..even my family was really annoyed to me because i try so hard to be a a joyful person when its really awkward whenever i talk.. today i realize that i just be who i am and ignore everything.

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