where do i start. i don’t feel happy anymore like i use to. every time i laugh, it’s forced. i want to be able to laugh till my stomach would start to hurt. but everything changed. i hate change. i use to have someone where i could talk to and rant but they have their own problems and can’t deal with my feelings at the moment. it would be selfish to be mad about that. i like someone but if i tell them how i feel, i know i’ll be hurt. i try to tell myself to ignore them, but if can’t stop texting them. i never like anyone and now that i do, i don’t know what to do with myself. i always get told to not feel sad because there’s others with bigger issues. true but false at the same time. yes there are others with bigger issues. but the issues i have shouldn’t be compared to others. i didn’t grew up poor or in a unstable environment. i had food in the fridge. i have both of my parents. everything is fine. the feelings in me are more strong and can hurt me in a snap. i don’t like to talk about my feelings to anyone but the second i finish, i regret it. growing up i was the funny and crazy you get sibling. i would get into tons of trouble just being a fun little crazy kid. it was a good time. y whole life was based on grades. if my grades were bad i couldn’t do anything. since i was a kid, my grades were average. i would get As Bs and Cs but that wasn’t enough for my dad. every year would be a bad year because of how my grades affected me. it affected me to the point where i would cry at night looking at myself in the mirror. i was in middle school... crying about i was a disappointment. my siblings would make fun of me about it. i would get yelled at by my dad and get treated differently from my siblings and till this day i still do and my grades are way better now. it wasn’t that i was stupid but it was cux i didn’t know how to stay focused and i had a issue with procrastinating a lot. i would get punished for months. i could go out and play. i couldn’t watch tv. i had to listen or else i would get yelled at which hurted a lot. it’s sril stuck with me. the bad memories are stuck with me more then the fun ones. i’m traumatized from it. it sucks. to add to that i would get bullied at school from the 7th grade mostly. i never told my parents because it would make situations worse. i grew up having a lot of friends and being able to enjoy hanging out with them. but because of getting punished so much i wasn’t able to enjoy going out place with friends or having a phone or just making fun middle schools dm high school memories. i missed a lot of my friends birthdays or school dances and more. when ever i like something, my dad takes it away from me. i still love my dad but it’s hard in situations when he doesn’t understand what i am going through. there’s more to it but i feel like if i keep typing my face will be covered in tears. at the moment i feel empty. i don’t have anyone. i need to learn how to feel happy. being myself happiness. but it’s been hard. i have been texting this guy recently and he’s very nice but small little stupid shit makes me sad and mad and i don’t know what to do. i like him and he for sure doesn't feel the same. he him self is going to some shit right now and i try to depend on him for me to be happy but that’s stupid and it doesn’t work but makes me feel worse. i want to stop texting him so i could find my ways but i can’t. idk why. i don’t date like that and i don’t want to. i know i’ll get hurt and i don’t think i’ll be able to bound back for a while. i want to hang out with him and i want to talk to him and just have fun. we all go through shut but feelings hurt more then physically pain and when i was younger i tried to avoid feelings because i knew i was sensitive. very sensitive. i act like i dot. care but i do. i care a lot. i want someone to understand me and make me feel ok but idk. i just hope i get through this fast and start a new chapter.