Downward spiral week

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this is a longy so pardon but I just need to get everything off my chest before I erupt and hurt someone again, I wish I could just feel better again, 2021 has been off to a rocky start for me emotionally, thought about stuff I’ve done in the past...the people I’ve hurt, at first it was easy to just be like “okay just gotta grow past that and move on! It’ll be fine!” And it was like that for about a month or two...and then a mutual of mine implied that I stressed them out and My advice was unhelpful and seemed more like logically...I feel like this shouldn’t have affected me, don’t wanna be rude but this person can be...kinda rude and dismissive (something a friend of mine pointed out) but...idk it still kinda hurt and though I don’t blame them for any of this, this is all my fault it did kinda...feed back into that feeling of me well...not being a good person. I’ve lived with regret in friendships all my life, I’ve screwed up a lot with them and I can’t help but feel like I’m just the problem of the two (kinda makes me struggle with wanting to even consider others friends since well...they’re gonna know I’m a bad person or get hurt sooner or later so I shouldn’t get close) and well this week has probably been the peak of it, that being said not to get too tmi but that “lovely” time of the month for a lotta is coming up and that’s likely contributing to a lotta this but...idk I’ve been in a lotta emotional lows this week I wanna open up to people about how I’m feeling but...I feel like I shouldn’t cause I know I’ll just hurt them like I did with my last group. I’ve basically only felt dread for...any future event cause I know I’m just gonna fuck it up or be useless like I always have been and...idk just a lotta regressing back into old bad mental health habits and well...really dark thoughts cause...idk part of me can’t help but wonder if it’d be for the best? Idk this is kinda super personal info dump I just...I just don’t know where else to go for this and I need to let it out before it spills...this just hasn’t been a good week...god I hope no one I know is reading this even if this is anonymous And they probably wouldn’t even know it’s me...well heh guess just gotta enjoy the present in tell my next fuck up happens