Life can be scary. You can never be certain what might happen next. But I'm not scared of life. Or my abusive parents. The thing that I fear the most in this world is myself. I am scared of what might happen if I let myself lose control. I am only 13. Way too young to be having suicidal thoughts. But I do. I don't trust myself to do the dishes because I don't know what will happen if I go near the knives. I was on a school trip once. We were going on a trip to the shard. Once we were at the top I started crying. My teacher thought maybe I was scared of heights. I told her I was. It was at that moment I realised it wasn't the height I was scared of. It was actually myself. I didn't know if I would be able to resist the temptation to jump. Being stuck in my house is not helping. I always feel like I'm on the verge of losing control. I feel suffocated. When I look out the window I feel so lost in thought that I don't realise I'm not breathing. I feel stuck like there is no way out. A few hours ago my mum told me to throw the bins out. I went outside and felt the wind in my hair and the sound of cars rushing by. And then I cried. Standing outside made me realise how trapped I felt. I felt like running as far as I could away from my house. But I couldn't. Instead I ran upstairs to my room and cried until I felt nauseous. I just wanted to run away. I couldn't less about whether I live or die. I just wanted to get out. I still do. I sat at my window for hours crying and thinking of ways to escape. I don't know if my head is throbbing from crying so much or stopping myself from doing or saying something I might regret. My mum told me to do the cooking. I was cutting tomatoes and I didn't realise how much I was staring at the knife. I told my mum I can't do this anymore. She said she knows I'm hurting but it's ok. She said she understands. And that just made me really angry because I'm not hurting. I feel like I'm going crazy. And there is no way she understands because I have gone through much more than she ever will. I was raped when I was 7. No one knows. But she thinks she understands. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I can't breath. I don't want to feel anymore. I just want all my emotions to go away because right now I'm drowning in my emotions.