i've been having a hard time lately. i think i had/have an eating disorder. as of february 2nd i stopped weighing my food and tried to stop restricting. it was great at first, i felt like i had so much more energy and was so much brighter and happier, but then i started putting on weight and it's getting really hard to trudge through the awful feelings i have about myself. i really do hate myself i think. i try to stay positive but it's hard lately. i just can't see myself as a normal human being. maybe it's because i haven't seen a normal human in a while? or i just haven't felt loved? i don't know. i just wish i could cut my stomach off, my hips off, my boobs off, i just want to be a stick. i wish i had a boyish figure. i wish i was a boy sometimes. i just need to remember that a lot of this is water weight and that so long as i stick to eating intuitively, my body will begin to realize it's not starving, it doesn't need me to continue hunting for food, i don't need to think about food anymore, and then it'll slowly begin to relax and let go. i just need to get over this hump, but i'm so fucking tired of this. even just touching my own skin hurts. i hate everyone in my life who ever made me feel this way. i hate that as a teen my mom called me fat when i had no control over the food that entered the house. when she pushed and pushed me to eat until i felt sick. when she asked me how much i wanted to eat and i'd get a small bowl but she'd reprimand me and give me twice as much. i fucking hate her sometimes. i hate that i care so much about what she thinks. i hate that when i lost weight she told me i was getting prettier and my wrists were so thin and i ate like a bird like these were all compliments. i hate that when i asked my friends if i should lose weight at 12 years old they couldn't give me a straight answer. i hate that i can't even bring myself to call these people out because maybe on some level i think they're right. or i think they'll outnumber me. or i think that if i was told "well you were fat though, we were just trying to help" i'd break. why can't the world just be okay with how much i need to eat? i hate that i have to feel ashamed if i order a salad or if i order a big greasy burger. there's just no winning. sometimes it feels like just not eating is the safest route. but i know that'll only prolong the suffering. i just need to keep eating and trust that nothing terrible will happen. i'm just so scared.