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E.D. (trigger warning)

ever since quarantine started i've been struggling with anorexia. it's been a few years since i first developed my e.d. but this time is so much worse. when i eat i feel so weak, like i failed. i know this isn't true so i keep trying to eat healthily and keel myself in check. yet everytime i think about what i've eaten i'm disappointed. i can't let myself restrict though because i know it'll get bad and i'll never feel like im "sick enough" without losing the best parts of my life. i feel so stuck. like anorexia is all i am and without it, i'm weak.