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Emotional cheater

Time Spent- 36m
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When I met my husband I was in love with someone who didn’t want me. My husband was seeing other people and I wanted his attention so I got pregnant on purpose. I still wanted to be with someone else so I had an abortion. But then I felt bad about doing it and he felt bad because he thought he forced me to do it and I think that’s why we stayed together. I let people think that I miscarried. I have been trying to pay him off for his time and trouble by giving him everything he told me he wanted/needed because I still don’t love him. I think he tortures me because he knows I don’t feel anything deep for him anymore (I used to feel pity and disgust).

I named my son after my ex-lover; I wanted my children to be his. I asked him recently if he wanted to have an affair. I don’t think I meant it. I wanted to tell him I still loved him and I did eventually and he rejected me again. I pretended to be okay with it. Deep down I want us to be friends because I don’t know how to let go of him. My pride won’t let me let go. I want him to want me. Maybe because I don’t think I deserve a person of my own? I have been trying so hard!! I am! I don’t want these feelings anymore, but it feels like I’ve always had them.