Let me start by saying that I don't morally approve of what I'm about to say, nor do I think that it's psychologically healthy. I also would never treat another person the way I'm about to say I wish to be treated.I'm an emotional masochist. Sometimes when I'm depressed or anxious, especially when I loathe myself for something, I sexually get off to the idea of being emotionally abused. Just to be clear, the abuse I crave isn't physical in nature; I just derive pleasure from the thought of being emotionally torn to shreds, ideally as ruthlessly as possible. I want someone to confirm to me all the mean things I tell myself in my head; the more sincere the insults, the better. I want him to call me fat and ugly. I want him to tell me that I'm arrogant and unlikeable. I want him to mock my loneliness and give me a list of reasons I deserve it. But perhaps worst of all... and I hate this because I'd feel so horrible doing this to someone else :(... I want him to make me feel ashamed for being gay.I know it's not right. I know. Especially the last one. I don't want to think this way, and I try so hard when these thoughts come up to resist them. I just have psychological baggage. I was groomed by a guy who then humiliated me and threatened to out me as gay if I told anyone. I was bullied nearly every day growing up. I used to be an athlete but I got fat while studying in college. I struggle with loneliness.I guess... I guess it just makes me feel good in a weird twisted way to hear others tell me what I already tell myself in my darkest moments. Maybe I like it because making pain pleasurable makes me feel like things are ok.I'm sorry for being like this. I'm not a hateful person. I even go out of my way to help friends struggling with their mental health. I'm just... I'm cruel to myself because I feel like I deserve it, even though I'd never say someone else deserve these things.The worst part? There's a sick side of me that almost hopes I'll be enabled instead of helped. As I conclude this, I'm thinking to myself that maybe someone will hurt me in the comments by telling me how cruel and messed up and broken I am. The fact that I even want that is just...Sorry. I'm trying to be good. That's all I can do.