Time Spent- 11m
12 Visitors

Emotionally numbed/torn?

Sorry in advance for shitty sentences I’m just spilling it out. I don’t exactly know how to put this, but a few years ago I had started partying (14yo) and got in with the wrong crowd. I didn’t have a great home life so I was always the one to do crazy shit and get absolutely wasted for fun, but that’s just for some context. I don’t want to give my age out but I’m between 20-30, anyways, I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 2yrs now and I keep finding myself stuck emotionally like I can’t grow and that I’m only getting bored. I was 16 when I met my ex who eventually told me I’d be better off dead and should kill myself, it’s never really left me (gaslighting trauma) and I’ve tried twice since then both time’s being found by friends after having an episode and not replying to anyone for an hour. After that I fell to my old ways of partying everywhere and anywhere, getting around with whoever I could, and it felt like I was living the life and that I was the fucking man. However now I feel stuck, my girlfriend knows of my past and accepts it despite me being her first, I don’t want to lose what I have with her but I’m having issues coming to terms with who I was before and since I got myself clean of all substances (minus alcohol) i find it hard to put any emotions out and I always come across blunt and like an asshole to my gf. She asks me to spend the night with her and I just want to be alone in my own bed and I always end up making her cry over it because it sounds like I don’t want her is what she tells me. I need help getting over myself and being able to find ways to enjoy my time instead of being stuck up on all the people I’ve connected with and then cut off so that I can be alone. It’s a terrible habit of mine and she’s the only one who wouldn’t let me cut her off, and I didn’t quite want to despite my brain telling me to. I keep falling into habit of throwing people away after I’m bored of them, old friends and girls reach back to me after I cut them out and I always feel like shit for it but I can never bring myself to reconnect or not cut people off