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I dont even know why i am here but here we go, so idk i just feel emotionless i can't find a reason to be happy and it seems i am just numb to all the reasons that make me sad. In fact i feel fine like not fine as in happy but fine as in i dont give a fuck about anything but deep down i kind of do. Plus i dont know who am i anymore, i am doing things i never thought i will ever do in my life like smoking i started smoking few days ago and i already feel addicted today i smoked 9 cigarettes and im cutting myself for the pleasure of seeing my hand bleed and whats even more disturbing is the fact that i dont care, ik that im ruining my life but i simply dont give a fuck, as i said i dont know who am i anymore like what happened to me its like i am a stranger to myself, i hate that i feel nothing but again idgaf no matter how hard i try i just dont feel anything no emotions at all. Okay so ill try to talk about somethings that are bothering me hoping i feel something so lets start. First at the beginning of this month everything was fine lockdown was lifted and i was doing alright until last week we are back on lockdown again and my parents were never this annoying they just dont understand me and tbh i dont blame them i dont understand myself anymore too. Moreover, i realized i have feelings for my guy bestfriend and i know that he doesn't feel the same way and it sucks and hurts like a bitch but now thinking of it i just dont care. Its funny tbh like wtf is wrong with me why tf i am just so emotionless and what is worse i have no motivation to feel better like fuck it i dont care, but somewhere deep down i do care but i just want to ignore it like i am tired of feeling hurt and crying all night. Adding to that i feel nauseous af and i have completely lost my appetite.

So thats it, didnt help though lmao anws welcome to my depressing ted talk