feelings

empty

Time Spent- 51m
11 Visitors

I feel so lost. I used to be depressed, but I had hope for the future where I have all the things I want like cool friends and adventures and cuddling. And now, a year later, I have all this. I have the things I wanted which I had convinced myself were the reason I felt so empty. I thought once I had experiences of life, I would feel alive. But the sad truth is I feel the exact same, maybe even worse. I have people who love me, but still empty. I go out at night and have adventures I never thought I would have, yet I don't feel alive. I feel so so numb. Not even numb, but like empty. Like nothing is ever enough. I had hope that good fun things would make me happy, but I'm not. It takes a lot for me to "feel" anymore. I always just cry because it helps me cope. Maybe if i cry and cry over little things that happen it'll feel genuine. Its me though. I am the problem. My friends are good to me. My parents are good to me. My gf is good to me most of the time. I deserve all this. Im a good person. I meditate when I can and eat healthy when I can and go outside to feel grounded. I spend alone time and social time. I take care of myself when I have the energy to. Nothing helps. Pretending Im ok makes it worse even. Because then I realize it really isnt avoidable. I cant distract myself. I want to feel alive and happy. I keep comparing my life to other peoples. I get jealous. I sometimes think my depression isnt real because I dont self harm as much as other people. Or because I dont have noticable scars. It feel invalidating for them to not stay. I want to feel pain because it makes me feel something. I feel so hopelessly empty and i can fill the hole with friends and love and adventures. It doesnt work that way, as ive learned the hard way. I want it to go away. I feel like im missing out on great things because my brain messes everything up. I need advice or support or something what is wrong with me.