term relationship
relationship
love
feelings

Empty.

Time Spent- 1h 50m
17 Visitors

I... I was in a long term relationship with a girl whom I still love. I kept getting jobs to earn money so I could go live with her in South Africa. I know, you can call me stupid I really don't have it in me to care anymore. I kept getting jobs and losing them. It wasn't for lack of trying, I never got warning before I was fired. No one tells me anything. I couldn't foresee or prepare before it happened. I kept telling her about losing my jobs because I wanted to be honest. Every time I did I smashed her heart more and more. The most recent time was the straw that broke the camels back. Sometimes I wish I never told her and just went on like everything was grand. She broke up with me saying she couldn't hold out hope anymore. I know boys and girls break up all the time but I never go into a relationship without giving every fiber of my being into it. We had both been in abusive relationships previously and were hoping to finally have found our one. I swear on my life I did my best to make it work. I had every intention of moving there and finally living a life free of pain... Guess it just wasn't... I just...

Every single day is agony now. I wake up and go to bed wanting to scream at the top of my lungs wishing I could go back in time and stop all of this from happening. I am so sick and tired of living under peoples boots always grasping for some hope only to have it snatched away. I am so sick of feeling alone. I am so sick of everything. I just want to feel loved and accepted for once in my life. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I wasn't a mistake who only hurts people. I have no friends or family. The only person I loved is now gone from me. I am haunted by the last words her mother said to me (She had recently told me she could be the mother I never had). I lost so much when it ended. The woman I love... The family I never had... The life I spent so long searching for. It is all gone, Even now as I write this I am fighting back the tears in my eyes. Living in this shit hole house everyday with people I hate with every fiber of my being. I hate my life so much. I can never have a good thing that won't be taken away with time. Who knows if anyone reads this. Who even really cares. I am just writing here because I have no one to talk to. The one all these feelings revolve around... I can't tell her. I can't bear to cause her any more pain and risk her leaving. I am not strong enough to carry on alone anymore. So I will stick around until she finds someone else to love. I want to die so much. I don't believe in that god stuff so I honestly don't know what keeps me going. Even my dream of becoming a world famous author just feels like ashes in my mouth now. Will this nightmare ever end? Probably not. I was born to suffer and will die suffering. I will never have love that won't be taken away. I won't have possessions that won't be taken away. I won't have hopes and dreams that can't be taken away. I know exactly where I am. I'M IN HELL.