Of course I know you don't feel anything for me, and yes you are younger, and yes you are a religious person.The sick twist is, if you said "I do care, I do want to be with you" Then not only would I wait for a physical relationship, I would believe, I prayed years ago, for someone who would want me, but who I would be full of joy to be around.I wanted someone to want me but who I looked at and felt not just a physical attraction, but excitement, happiness, cared for deeply.And in that time I felt it impossible, so how could it be true, and of course it was not, and I accepted it.Now though, as I realise being merely in your presence, of course I want you physically, what I want more though is that you want me in more ways than that.Not just to get hot thinking of me, but to want to just be around me, so when you say "Oh but you don't believe" well I understand then your faith matters, but if you did want me too, then I would believe because how else could it be?I know though, you won't say it, and you are going to say that soon, in a couple of days, and then I have the torture of the sheer joy of being around you as friends, but the knowledge that in ten years, or five, or one you will discover someone, they will be with you, and I will not.I will be happy if you are, but only for your joy, because of course when you care about a person, truly care, then the fact they are happy is much more important. But indeed I will feel an aching pain.I wish I could rage at god, but how, when my proof is not there, then to whom would I be angry towards?I would be so ecstatic to hear you say ok, I will give you one chance.Because believe me, one chance is all I would need, I would never hurt you, always support you, and do everything in my power to make you happy.But behind this drip, no, speck, mote, iota, of wishing, pleading, hope, lies reality.I know unquestionably in day or two when we chat, you're going to tell me, look I don't feel that way about you at all. Maybe making jokes about stuff has misled you, I should have said so immediately, but there can never be an "us" I think we should just be friends.And, you will try so hard to distance yourself a bit then.Life, it sucks hard. Well when we have that talk, I know already what I will say, I just hope that despite the pain of finding someone who lights my world up, someone who ignites me with absolute happiness just being around them, and them not wanting me the same as I do them, that at least, I can stay in your sphere.If not, well it is not going to be fun but so be it.I am so glad I got to meet you, and so I will be reduced from the confident, ask for nothing earn it kind of guy, to the desperate for any scrap of you, you will give.Pathetic but that's life. How amusing and awful at the same time