Existence is painful. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep and dream forever, maybe just float in an endless void of colorlessness. At least I wouldn’t have to deal with this, and people wouldn’t have to deal with me. But what if I’m being overdramatic? Why should I care? Maybe I’m just having another phase, it’ll all end soon right? But why, in the moment, does it feel like it’ll last an eternity? Emotions are very strange, I usually wish I didn't have them. If the human race didn’t have emotions, I bet we would have progressed better as a society, there would be no religious differences, no pain, no heartbreak. I don’t really understand heartbreak, but then again I’ve never gone through it. I’ve never truly loved before I don’t think, and I don’t think I will soon. I hope I will love someday, and that person will love me. I hope someone will listen to me, and I will listen to them back. But again, it won't happen soon because of how much I’m pushing people away. Why do I keep pushing them away? I’m not entirely sure, it’s just a lot of effort to talk to people, no matter how nice and charismatic they are. Even if I find them to be the most interesting and nicest person in the world, I’ll still get tired of them and drift away, back into my colorful office area with a colorless vibe, if you catch my drift. Hell, I don’t even talk to my best friend of 6 years anymore, let alone anyone else. The only people I regularly talk to now are two friends of mine, and even they seem to be drifting away. I always think to myself, “When I learn how to drive and get a car, that’ll solve everything! I’ll socialize with people and be happy again.” But will I really do that? This place that I wallow in every day has become a safe space for me, even though it’s terrible. It’s like being strangled to death by someone, but that someone is whispering loving things in your ear, telling you that, “You will be okay,” and, “It’ll all be over soon.” God, I’m lonely haha.