expectation

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I have a problem with how I think. I expect people to be perfect. When somebody loses their shit after maybe having a bad day, I think of them badly. I expect them to be calm and polite and have a breakdown in private not to be rude. I want people to be nice and polite. I don't want people to judge others. The thing is, logically I know that when people have a bad day and that they are not feeling good they might lash out. I do it often too. But this doesn't stop my brain from blaming them for my hurt feelings. I am also very selfish. I don't think about others. I don't connect with others on an emotional level. It is probably because I don't interact with others much but I read a lot of books and rarely do I think what the characters are feeling is okay. I am so tired with my way of thinking and I want to stop it but I don't know how.


Another problem I have is my moods. I am in my early teens so I don't know if I can trust my emotions . I often chalk up my emotions to hormones and usual teenage mood swings. I don't know if my emotions are justified or not. I have a hobby, reading fiction, but I don't know if I like it or not. I more often then not feel like I am just going through the motions without actually processing the words. But I am so accustomed to it that I don't know what I will do without it. I live in an apartment with my parents, siblings and bachelors for neighbors. I am not social. I am not creative. I am not smart. I don't have any self-control. I often feel like I can't breathe. I have a good life. My problems stem from my personality and thoughts instead from my actual life. I have a brother who I think would like to be my friend but I hate dislike him. I have a sister who loves to play with us. But I am too busy reading books I don't like to pay much attention to her. Though she makes feel especially guilty when she smiles her heart-warming smile everytime I spend two minutes with her. I have a father who is always ready to offer me help academically. I have a mother who cooks for me two times a day and almost never asks me to do chores. Though when she does ask me to do something I feel this intense wave of hatred because of something kids my age out there do themselves. I think the reason for my hatred is not that she asked me to do something but rather that she asked me because I ma girl and I should know this sort of things when I get married. Everytime I try to be grateful for all I have I end up feeling like an idiot. I just cannot muster the emotions. my grateful is more like a fleeting though that occasionally pops up. I apologize if I wasted your time or managed to annoy you with my complains.


Help me?





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