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Failed suicide attemptee

I tried to kill myself when I was 17 and tried again 9 months later. I've repeatedly told myself that I could never try again, and that the repercussions for my soul would be grave, but sometimes I still want to be dead so frickin bad. I don't know why I have to say anymore than that. I just wish I was dead still, sometimes, and I've tried so hard to tell myself that I won't make another attempt.