I'm now slowing losing myself with all these false promises that I've used to keep myself going on this long 22 years of life that I have some how pushed through. I believed in the promises that I would someday have close relationships, a good education, a great job, and maybe find someone I could love. I kept trying to have these things to feel happier as I have longed to enjoy those things in life. I could say that I just need to be me and that I'm only gonna find my own happiness through myself, but I've tried. Everything now just hurts and all my favorite things, all the things that I used to love are now just dull as I expensed all my effort into at least be content with myself. I fail to feel the love and care of my family as I am never told of events and the only things that are shared about me is played as a joke instead what I have accomplished in life. The people that I can call friends always saying that I am their friend and that they'd be there for me, but no matter how many times that I am there for them, no matter how much effort I put into the relationships, no one is actually there for me. I've grown tired of expressing my trauma and depression since no matter what I do or say nothing comes out of it. I get left with empty promises with no actions and a more broken version of myself every time I try. I now just hide it away, faking it till I make it. I've given up into trying to talk to people or even reach out to them since I convinced myself that I'm only gonna keep hurting myself by trying. Sure I'll still be there for them, but in the back of my head I'd only wish they would forget me because I help people at the drop of a hat with no hesitation. I'm too considerate of those around me even if your a stranger. All my life I just want to feel loved, cared for, and not just knowing that the thought is there with no effort given. I don't know the purpose of my life. I give up on things too easily. I no longer have things that make me happy, just stuff that passes the time to keep my mind off the things that hurt. I no longer think that life is gonna get better. I gave up on to the things I promised myself and now I'm just here. Not knowing how life is gonna change or how I can change it. I'm just tired of trying to live the life I can only dream of and hold on to the hope that I want to cherish so much.